For $10k and Sex, Would You Let This Woman Out of a DUI?

By JJ Duncan on If you're a Wisconsin Dells police officer, the answer is a resounding NO.

When police placed Elizabeth Ann Kommes, 30, of Iron Mountain, Mich. under arrest for Driving Under the Influence, she pulled out all the stops. Explaining that the arrest would send her back to prison for parole violation, Kommes proceeded to offer sexual favors and $10,000 to her arresting officers if they would let her go.

Kudos to the Wisconsin police for keepin' it real and resisting temptation.

My favorite part of all this is Kommes mug shot. Don't she look feisty? meee-YOW!

(Article at the Portage Daily Register )

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I Swear I Answered B!

Sunday, June 24th, 2012 • Filed under Assaults

What do you do in your spare time? If that list includes taking ridiculous personality quizzes online or in magazines, we need to talk. It’s fine if you’d like to know if you’re a good kisser, or what purse correctly matches your personal style. But once you start profiling what kind of kitchen utensil you are and which animal your sexuality resembles…it’s time to take up an instrument.

Hopefully, though, you don’t take these things to heart like this couple in Phoenix. After a long night of drinking and alleged fighting, the young woman called 911 and said her husband was choking her. Further investigation revealed that, at some point, he had thrown a bunch of kitchen knives to the floor and foolishly requested that his wife stab him. According to New Times, she ended up only cutting his back a bit. Why? Fighting over a quiz in Cosmopolitan magazine. Good, at least we know they weren’t over reacting.

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But It’s Green Too!

Tuesday, May 29th, 2012 • Filed under Counterfeit, Drugs

Money isn’t everything, right? That’s what rich people say. Or people who write for Disney Channel, who are paid in packs of gum. Or people who consider themselves modern age philosophers but are really just quoting things off some internet database.

Sometimes…other things…can be substituted for money. Not legally, of course. After finishing a $10 meal at Denny’s (a crime in itself), a man he realized he was $9 short of the bill. Not a problem, though, because he remembered his emergency bag of marijuana. Shockingly, the cashier wouldn’t accept this as payment. He then proceeded to hawk his wares to everyone else on their 2 am Denny’s run, according to Digital Journal.

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Stupid Criminal Gets Owned By Ninja Sword

By JJ Duncan on I was just saying the other day how I wish more crime stories involved swords.

What strange attraction do swords hold for perpetually adolescent males? Whatever it is, if you have a friend who buys swords, he probably gets made fun of a LOT (and deservedly so). But from Florida today we have the story of one man whose nerdy little thing for swords will never be mocked again.

Names have yet to be released, but apparently a knife-wielding thief forced his way into an apartment in Melbourne, Fla. Unfortunately for him, the guy living there was prepared... with a friggin' NINJA SWORD!

The thief was soon arrested and taken to a hospital with a big-ass cut on his arm from the katana blade wielded by his would-be victim.

Not only did the guy pull out a ninja sword to fend off his attacker, he actually got to use it. I admit it. I'm jealous.

Check out the photo gallery from WFTV-Ch. 9 in Florida. (Full story)

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BEDROOM FIRE!! WTF News of the Week (Florida Edition)

A mother decides to wake her daughter up by setting her room on fire!! WTF Stories of the Week! Yesterday's Quick News Update(s) Justin Bieber Punched In The Face - bit.ly Jason Russell Kony Meltdown - bit.ly Is Courtney Stodden 17? - bit.ly Amusement Park Accident - bit.ly Yesterday's...

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TX Man Sets New Personal Low: 4 DUIs in 2 Weeks

By JJ Duncan on Four DUIs in three states in two weeks and they let him out on a $200 bond.

Color me incredulous.

This is Caldwell, Tex. man Robert Hood's mugshot after he was arrested in Otoe County, Nebraska Sunday (July 14) morning. He had previously been arrested July 4 in Mitchell, S.D., July 7 in Deadwood, S.D., and again on July 8 in Platte County, Wyo.
It seems like it would take some real conscious effort to put together a driving record like that in less than two weeks. Either this guy is really dumb or really determined to prove he is the World's Drunkest Driver.

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And The Fourth House…

Monday, June 11th, 2012 • Filed under Theft

Maybe sometimes it’s not so much a case of dumb criminals as it is dumb crimes. I mean, maybe some of the heists are pulled of ingeniously. It’s just that the heists are the kind of thing taken seriously by absolutely nobody.

Like this one. Ever need 400,000 toothpicks? Here’s your guy. A manufacturer located in Athens was shocked to find that $3,000 worth of toothpicks had disappeared. Mysteriously so, because there were no signs of forced entry, according to Huffington Post. More suspicions as to the crook’s motives were cleared up when two of the factory’s employees reported seeing a man selling containers of toothpicks at the flea market. Now that sounds like a wild party scene.

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Epistoleasian David Tuason

By disgrasian on | From disgrasian.blogspot.com David Tuason: America's Most Wanted Pen Pal

Let's face it. Nobody writes letters any more. And that's just sad. We'd like to bring letter-writing back, so we present our DOTW this week in epistolary fashion:

Dear David,

You like writing letters? Us, too! Let's be friends.

pen pals 4eva,

DISGRASIAN

Dear David,

You also hate Clarence Thomas and Derek Jeter?! So do we!!! Clarence Thomas, because of Anita Hill and his wack-ass politics. Derek Jeter, cuz he's a Yankee. We have so much in common!

your partners in haterasian,

DISGRASIAN

Dear David,

You held a grudge for 20 years? Dayum, man. That's more hardcore than Jen's dad, who will disown you if you have, like, bad taste in movies. We're not sayin' that that's healthy or anything. But it is pretty darn Asian.

good luck with that,

DISGRASIAN

Dear David,

Hold up. You hate black people? And you wrote over 200 hate letters and emails to black men because a black guy "stole" your girlfriend 20 years ago? Duuude. You got problems. We are sooo not down with you. Neither is the U.S. justice system, which just sentenced you to three years in the clink.

enjoy prison,

DISGRASIAN

P.S. Forget about us writing to you in prison or, like, ever again. Because, like Jen's dad, we hold a pretty mean grudge ourselves. And once, as Heidi Klum would say, you're out, your ass is out, naw mean?

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Stupid Criminals: Teen Queen Edition Featuring Lindsey Evans

By Tatiana Guertin on If only Miss Louisiana Teen USA Lindsey Evans would have paid her $46.07 dinner tab she would still have her crown. But, proving that beauty queens are a little lacking in the brain department, Evans not only skipped out on her tab, but left her purse full of pot at the restaurant.

Rule #1 of the dine-and-dash: You should definitely remember to take your purse or wallet with you.

When Evans returned to the restaurant to grab her purse she was arrested on theft and charges of marijuana possession after police searched her bag and found a stash of pot.

Rule #1 of carrying pot on you: Don't commit a crime, if you do don't leave your pot behind with your personal information.

Come on! Is a little common sense too much to ask for in a beauty queen?

With only 10 days left on her reign Evans was stripped of her title. You can't say she didn't deserve it.

Related Articles:A happily married woman. The owner of the cutest dog ever. A journalism graduate. A girl who just loves sports and beer, preferably at the same time.

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Mom Steals Daughter's Identity to Become a Cheerleader

By JJ Duncan on When 33-year-old Wendy Brown showed up for high school cheerleader practice, a couple of the girls noticed she looked a little old for 15, but no one said anything.

"She did look a little insignificantly older, but you didn't want to question it," student Spencer Corpus told CBS News. "You just go aw, alright, whatever."

It turns out Brown, who has a criminal background involving identity theft, was posing as her daughter to pass herself off as a student at Ashwaubenon High near Greenbay, Wis. The plot sounds like something taken right out of a teen high school movie, but instead of ending on a big kiss, this plot ended with an arrest.

Brown was discovered when she failed to show up for school for four consecutive days and the check for her cheerleader uniform bounced.

When school officials investigated Brown's background, they found that her daughter was still living in Pahrump, Nevada.

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Joker Caught Stealing Batman Junk

By JJ Duncan on Thanks to the Internet, 20-year-old Spencer Taylor will have to live with this mug shot for the rest of his life.

It must have seemed like a good idea at the time. Go see "The Dark Knight" dressed like the Joker and rip off all the Batman goodies you can get your hands on.

And he would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling ticket takers.

Taylor was physically restrained by employees until police could arrive. That's right boys and girls. In real life the Joker can't even handle the kid working the popcorn stand, nevermind a millionaire ninja in a bat mask.

After that he was arrested and booked on felony larceny and malicious destruction of property charges.

The Joker gets away with that stuff all the time in the movies, but head down to the theater and try this stunt and you too could end up with the mug shot of a lifetime.

Here's Spencer without his make-up, sporting that deer-in-the-headlights look instead.

(More at WWMT-TV )

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It’s A Crime They’re So Stupid…

By sbraccia on | From wncn.info   Like a perpetual motion machine that just keeps on running, we seem to have an endless supply of criminals who are not the brightest bulbs on the marquee of life… Check ‘em out in this latest edition of:   A STORYBOOK ENDING…. Generally, the art of burglary is best executed if you leave the place you’ve robbed once [...] Related Articles:

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Stupid Criminals: 'We've Got Boobies!'

By JJ Duncan on That's how Federal Security Guard Darin Earl Wanless cheerfully announced the fruition of his master plan to his coworkers.

That plan? To capture women undressing using the security cameras placed on top of the U.S. Courthouse complex in downtown Spokane, Washington.

If that sounds like a plot point from "Revenge of the Nerds" that's because it is (skip to 0:58 ).

Wanless reportedly succeeded in his quest for 'boobies' 22 times, according to court documents. But while the Nerds got away Scot free, Wanless will have to register as a sex offender for the next 10 years.

Yeesh. Real life sucks. (More at the Spokesman-Review )

(Darin Wanless pictured above)

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Guy tries to rob a gun store with a knife...(do I even have to say it ?)

By funnyblog on | From crazyinspace.blogspot.com
Well I was on the same website as last time, and this time I found this, Is it just me or are these people getting stupider and stupider, I meanseriously, who tries to rob a gun store with a knife!Related Articles:

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Would-Be Robber is Most Embarrassing Dad Ever

By JJ Duncan on If you think you can't catch a break, consider Stephanie Martinez.

The young Denton, Texas woman has it bad enough working as a clerk for Pizza Patron. But things just got worse the night of Friday, July 11 when a man in a wig and sunglasses walked in and demanded money.

Things turned from bad to OMFG WTF when a fellow clerk foiled the would-be robber by punching his lights out, thus knocking off his wig and sunglasses and revealing Martinez' father.

Stephanie wasn't in on it. She didn't even know it was her father, Benjamin Ramirez, until the wig fell off.

To make matters even more way terrible, Ramirez then stumbled into the getaway truck where Stephanie's mother and husband were waiting. Yeesh.

The police have said they believe Stephanie when she says she didn't have anything to do with the robbery, but that has to be little consolation for having to endure such weirdness.

Stephanie's mother, father and husband were all arrested for the incident. Here are the mug shots. (See the Denton-Record Chronicle's article here .)

Benjamin Ramirez         Sonia Ramirez              Jose Miguel Martinez 

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Stupid Criminals: 911 Doesn't Care About Your Sandwich

By JJ Duncan on I've been to Subway enough times to know that if I want an edible sandwich, I have to make it VERY clear that I only want the tiniest bit of mayonaisse on my Cold Cut Trio.

Nothing is worse than biting into a footlong and feeling it coat your chin and shirt in that slimy discount mayo they smother all over a perfectly good sammich. I've complained. Once I even got a coupon for a free sandwich. But it never occurred to me that there might be a higher authority to whom I could voice my complaints.

I must not be nearly as clever as Reginald Peterson, the 42-year-old Florida man who became so angry with Subway's Sandwich Artists that he did take his complaints to a higher authority.

He dialed 911.

Then he dialed again when police didn't show up fast enough.

Then he got arrested for placing false 911 calls.

Peterson was not willing to compromise. His sandwich needed a police escort to be made correctly and he wasn't leaving until that's exactly what happened... or until police handcuffed him and threw him in a squad car.

Oh well, maybe the sous chefs down at County will be more attentive to the way old Reggie likes his sandwich made.

(Reginald Peterson's mug shot pictured above)

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Man arrested for stealing ladies' socks... for the fourth time

By JJ Duncan on Old habits die hard. Especially when they're part of some weird perversion related to womens' socks.
Meet James Dowdy. He's 36, hailing from Belleville, Ill. and boy does he want to get his mits on your socks. Dowdy was arrested Monday for breaking into a family's basement and trying to get away through the window with an armful of socks.

Dowdy has already served in time in PRISON for stealing socks. He was convicted of the strange thefts in 2004, 1997 and 1994. But with those long gaps between his sentences, you have to wonder... how many unknown victims are out there?

Maybe I'm wrong though. Maybe it isn't some weird perversion. Maybe this is just the guy responsible for all those times you lose just one of a pair of socks. But that just makes him more sinister in my opinion.

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Stupid Criminals: Copper Thief 'Never Been in a Jam Like This'

By JJ Duncan on Talk about being stuck between a dumpster and a hard place.

Gibson Cook, 56, found himself in a precarious situation when he went scavenging for scrap metal in a DIllon County, S.C. landfill. And the local Sheriff's deputies were kind enough to take embarrassing pictures.

You know what happens when you stick your hand too far in the Pringles can? That's kind of how it went down with Gibson.

He crawled and he reached and crawled and reached and when he finally grabbed that mess of copper wiring in his grimy little mitt he realized he'd gone too far. So he took the only option left to him: he screamed like a little girl until someone lifted that thing off him. At least that's how I like to imagine it happened.

""He's one of our local petty thieves," deputy Wayne Kirby said. "But he has never been in a jam like this."

Looking at Gibson's picture following the harrowing incident, he doesn't seem that fazed. At least he didn't pee his pants, which is more than you could probably say for yourself were you to be pinned beneath a two-ton metal dumpster.
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Husband arrests his wife

By myheartnote on | From myheartnote.com

ASHWAUBENON, Wisconsin —  A Public Safety officer was tired of his wife denying she didn’t steal his wallet.  He handcuffed her and told her she was under arrest.  He is facing charges for false imprisonment, a felony, and disorderly conduct, a and misdemeanor.  Thomas Benike and Heidi Benike had been married for 12 years and have four children.  In November, Heidi filed for divorce, and Thomas is allowed to visit the kids.  He had been working as an officer for six years.

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That’s Nacho Car

Mexican food is just delicious. I mean, there’s nothing like a balanced diet of chips, salsa, and whatever food item you can’t finish because you ate too much of the first two. But what if this particular ethnic cuisine started showing up in unexpected places?

Well, then you might be living in Seattle. A crook by the name of the Tortilla Car Vandal does…well, exactly what his name implies. He shattered the window of a Jeep, but didn’t actually steal anything. Instead, he left a pile of tortillas scattered across the car’s floor, as it says on HP. If he continues, they might even make him the main character a children’s picture book.

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Stupid Criminals: Man Arrested For Impromptu Demolition Derby

By JJ Duncan on Maybe he thought they were all out to get him. Maybe he just had a bad day.

Whatever the reason, Fort Worth man Michael John Holden decided it was time to play demolition derby with his white Toyota Tundra pickup truck and no one else was privy to the information.

Late evening Wednesday, Holden allegedly began ramming his pickup straight into a number of cars in a parking lot. Then he drove to another parking lot and did it again.

Instead of fleeing the scene, Holden sauntered into a nearby bar, the Star Light Sports Lounge, where police soon nabbed the allegedly intoxicated Holden. He'd been followed by a witness who told police right where he could be found.

Witnesses do tend to notice when you go on a rampage and smash up 17 vehicles at an estimated cost of $75,000.

(More from DallasNews.com) Related Articles:Writer, editor, and sometimes graphic designer for Zimbio.com since 2008. Follow me on Twitter.

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Stupid Criminals: Kill the Lawnmower! KILL IT! KILL IT!

By JJ Duncan on Consider the plight of Keith Walendowski.

Just like anyone would, when his lawnmower began to act up he assumed the time had come. Call it the Apocalypse. Call it the Rise of the Machines. Call it running out of gas. Whatever it was, Keith was ready for it.

He pulled out his illegally-short-barrelled shotgun and blew that motherfucker to Kingdom Come.

"I can do that, it's my lawn mower and my yard so I can shoot it if I want."

Unfortunately for him, the cops didn't agree. (More at CJOnline.com )

Thanks for the mugshot Keith! *muah*

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Sorry, We Only Carry S and XS

Sunday, June 17th, 2012 • Filed under Other

I believe I speak for all straight females when I say the scariest thing about Halloween is probably the lack of fabric worn on this day every year. “A bikini and mouse ears? You’re a mouse. A bikini and glasses? Soooo nerdy. A bikini and fangs? You’re Edward Cullen!”

A prison in Washington recently became the central spot for this kind of sartorial shenanigans. Apparently, somebody was troubled that the inmates were sitting around with nothing to do. To solve this “problem”, the prisoners were entrusted with the task of sewing uniforms for the guards. Now, how could that possibly go wrong? According to Seattle Weekly, officials started receiving complaints about the outfits being too tight in places and too loose in others, as well as zippers and buttons breaking off. The makeshift sexiness was to excite the lonely criminals, we presume. Next time, hire a jail full of tailors.

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Kid arrested for delivering pot-filled cookies totally innocent

By JJ Duncan on Christian Phillips was totally telling the truth when he said he was innocent of delivering pot-filled cookies to police officers.

Tests revealed the truth. Score one for the kid!

------
Here's my original post (for which I'm now eating crow). I get it. You're young, you're out to have a good time, and hey, what's the harm in a little prank?Well, maybe if you're going to deliver pot-filled cookies in little baskets to police officers, do it BEFORE you turn 18!Christian Phillips is our latest stupid criminal. Under the guise of Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD), he dropped off the weed-stuffed goodies at not one, but two different cop stations. Reports are it wasn't subtle either.“It reeked of it,” said Lt. Thomas Cain, a Blue Mound police spokesman. “It wasn’t hard to tell. Anyone that’s been around marijuana before would have known.”(Pictured above: Christian Phillips)
Here's the full story at dallasnews.com

See more stupid criminals.

Check out some videos on stupid criminals

Robbing a surveillance Store
Man shoots self in junk
Can't open the door
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YOLO Doesn’t Apply To Gaming

Sunday, June 17th, 2012 • Filed under Assaults

Ready for another battle in the endless war of girlfriend vs. video games? Come on, guys, I know we’re not talking dragons or machine gun spaceships…but we are part of real life. Maybe you should check that place out.

An Oklahoma man living with his girlfriend and her kids found himself in a tight situation. He had planned for a night of quality time with his Xbox, but this was sabotaged when the children wanted to watch their shows on their single TV. His girlfriend took her kids’ side, and as a result was grabbed by the neck and thrown onto a couch (X, up, down, triangle). According to City Pages, she called the police, but the guy insisted that he “loves his girlfriend”. Probably to gain health points.

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Cop Fired For Extorting Coffee from Starbucks

By JJ Duncan on He hasn't been charged, but he failed a polygraph, was fired and extortion is criminal and YES it is stupid to say the following to a Starbucks clerk:

"If something happens, either we can respond really fast or we could respond really slow. I've been coming here for years and I've been getting whatever I want. I'm the difference between you getting a two minute response time, if you needed a little help, or a fifteen minute response time."

Those are the alleged words of Lt. Major Garvin, of Daytona Fla. The rogue officer reportedly hit up the coffee shop up to six times a day for his complimentary java fix.

(Read the full story here. )

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Parenting Level 0

Monday, June 4th, 2012 • Filed under Uncategorized

Ladies and gentleman, please give a warm round of applause to our newest entry in the Mother Of The Year contest! This year’s competition is in honor of….never mind.  I can’t make Casey Anthony jokes; my mom would kill me.

In case her fluorescent pink hair and young age weren’t proof enough of her terrible mothering skills, a Phoenix women was having a bit of trouble bringing home her one month old son. And by a bit of trouble, I mean she drove away with him on the roof. According to Project 961, she had put his baby carrier up there and forgotten about it. This might have suspiciously had something to do with all the beer and pot she and her boyfriend had employed beforehand. Luckily, the child wasn’t hurt, and police arrived at Pinky’s house after receiving calls reporting an abandoned baby. That’s baby, not Christmas tree.

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“Too Late To Apologize”

Sunday, May 20th, 2012 • Filed under Assaults

It’s that time of year again, ladies and gentleman: Creepy Couple Competition. My entry is the pair of slightly angsty middle schoolers who referred to each other as “Pudding Cup” in their duration of couple-dom. Feel free to hate on the love in the comments below.

This kind of thing exists in the celebrity world as well. Eddie Fisher, the drummer for One Republic, had been dating a Playboy model. The good life, right? According to Westword, they had gotten into a fight that resulted in bruises and scrapes, as well as the bathroom sink ending up on the floor. There is a lot of dispute surrounding who actually hit who, but I assume a drummer would have the better aim.

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Uncle Gives 1-Year-Old Beer Because 'He's a Champ!'

By JJ Duncan on Hey, I don't care if you think "he can handle it," don't give beer to your infant nephew.
On June 25, 2008, Richard H. Valens, 44, of Muncie, Ind. gave beer to a one-year-old, claiming he could "handle it" because "he's a champ." His girlfriend tried to stop him, so of course he punched her in the face, took off in her SUV and screamed threats and obsceneties while fleeing the scene.

Upon being arrested when he returned a short time later he quipped: "I've been in prison. Send me back, I don't ------- care."

*sigh*

In the real of stupid criminal actions, you couldn't do much worse. Let's take a look at the charges Valens racked up in this little dust-up.
Domestic batteryAuto theftNeglect of a dependentAll three are Class D felonies carrying maximum three-year prison term.

Here's the Chicago Tribute write-up. Related Articles:Writer, editor, and sometimes graphic designer for Zimbio.com since 2008. Follow me on Twitter.

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MR. MOJO & HOW TO GET A FREE FUNERAL - WTF

How to get a free funeral! Toledo police have arrested a 57-year-old Michigan man and charged him with abuse of a corpse for allegedly "fondling" a woman's body at a west-side funeral home. Also, man calls 911 to report he's invisible, Hidden meth lab in nursing home, a weird church burglary,...

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