Soulmates

Monday, January 21st, 2013 • Filed under Cars, Drunks

“You make me a better person.” As cliché as that may sound, it’s probably a good element to have in a marriage. If you’re nuts for a health nut, jog with them. If someone cooler than you made a mix tape, you better listen to that or else. And if someone is really into drinking and driving…

Wait, no. Some habits just should not be picked up in a relationship. A married couple in Rhode Island found this out when they were both arrested for DUI. On the same night, but in separately. Suspicious? Little bit. According to Huffington Post, the husband was actually charged while riding his motorcycle to see his wife in custody. Lord only knows what their kids are like…

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Brownies Weren’t Healthy

Tuesday, January 15th, 2013 • Filed under Drugs, Smugglers

What’s better in soup, marijuana or vegetables? Well, we all know which one is better in you.

There was confusion about this raised in California. Inside $500,000 worth of frozen carrots, someone had hidden 310 pounds of marijuana. According to Huffington Post, the truck was inspected by officials and the driver is facing federal drug charges. Would have made more sense to hide the weed in Taco Bell chalupas, where only other potheads will find it.

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Petsitting 101

Sunday, January 6th, 2013 • Filed under Cars, Guns

Over winter vacation, my family and I had the opportunity to visit a place called Rainforest Adventures. Although most rainforest animals were missing and replaced by commonplace creatures like goats and mice, it was certainly an adventure. The chinchilla exhibit even featured a plastic fork in the corner, when they had clearly finished their lunch. Sadly, this kind of nonsense happens even when pets are legally owned.

A woman was spotted walking a Chihuahua she was babysitting. Why would this be a big deal? Only because she was driving while holding the leash out the window.  When a concerned neighbor inquired about this, the woman threatened to get her gun. According to WestWord Blogs, she was later arrested  back at her home. And the poor puppy was returned to Taco Bell.

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No Pineapple, At Least

Monday, November 19th, 2012 • Filed under Cars

Frozen, greasy, cold, steaming, homemade, meaty, or vegetable-y…everybody loves pizza. There’s not much I wouldn’t do for a slice of pizza at any given time. Better yet if it was calorie-free. Or even just free.

Luckily I don’t have to give up my house to be offered pizza, unlike these people in Indiana. A man who had previously consumed five beers was having trouble driving (shocking enough), and was unable to stop himself from driving into a house. Needless to say, the inhabitants were unhappy. So he said the logical thing: “Want some pizza?” According to Huffington Post, he really did have a pizza and a bottle of hot sauce in the backseat of his car. Amends made?

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Medium Rare, Please

Giving Christmas presents becomes increasingly difficult as everyone grows up. Few people have the need for a third toaster, and nobody wants one of those hideous sweaters with the dancing cats. So what simple object can prove useful?

Clearly, it’s a barbecue fork. When a teenage thief in Texas attempted a home invasion, he was faced with a surprise. The 73 year old homeowner grabbed a pair of scissors and a barbecue fork and met him at the back door. According to HP, she then stabbed him in the neck with the fork.  We’re not quite sure who’s the victim and who’s the criminal here…

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Small Potatoes

Sunday, October 7th, 2012 • Filed under Assaults

Everybody has weird little quirks. A conversation with a group of friends once went like this: “If you could incorporate any food into your sex life, which would it be?” “Chocolate.” “Yeah, probably chocolate.” “Chocolate sounds good.” “OMG MASHED POTATOES!” Someone’s a lucky guy…

Occasionally, having said quirks can get people arrested. A woman in Florida ordered mashed potatoes and was disappointed when they were cold. She requested a 50% discount, and instead received a credit slip to be used on her next visit. This visit came next Monday, according to HP, when the woman arrived again to speak to the manager. This ended in a fight, and the police were called after the manager had nearly been throttled. This is why starch is unhealthy.

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Not Funny.

Monday, November 19th, 2012 • Filed under Assaults, Other Weapons

Did you know that clowns are one of the top ten most common phobias? Not surprising, and I’ll just stop this line of thought before giving any of you (or myself) nightmares for a week.

Even cops run into problems with these guys. A man was driving down the road when he witnessed what appeared to be a policeman beating up a clown. Upon looking closer, he confirmed that it was indeed a cop beating up a clown, and took a video. According to WISN, the story behind this was that the clown had been squirting every passing car with a water gun, and therefore needed to be taken care of. Hopefully taken back to the circus.

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Just ‘Cause You Didn’t Get Your Letter…

Monday, November 5th, 2012 • Filed under Assaults, Kidnappings

Sometimes kids just take it to the next level, you know? All you were trying to do was recapture your “friend” who had left the scout troop to live in the woods with his crazy, scissor-wielding girlfriend. And then your dog ends up hurt, so unfair.

While that story may be a work of fiction, this one isn’t. Ten teenagers, apparently a bit lonely and in need of a pet, approached a younger boy who happened to be walking his pet owl. The teenagers attacked the owner with Silly String, and punched him in the face upon his retaliation. Luckily he escaped with the owl, according to HP. Maybe being wise doesn’t always equate to being lucky.

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Ghost Of The Town

Monday, November 5th, 2012 • Filed under Robberies

Boo! Happy late Halloween. In honor of the already-passed holiday, allow me to introduce a criminal well past his prime.

A man in Chicago was feeling hungry, so he decided to rob a Subway franchise. Of course, the plan wasn’t complete without added complications. This one came in the form of a Halloween disguise—a ghost costume, to be exact. According to Huffington Post, he almost succeeded in holding up the restaurant, until another employee threw hot soup at him. I didn’t even know Subway offered that as a menu item, but thank goodness they do.

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A Latte Of Trouble

Nothing is quite as necessary to America’s productivity as coffee is. Imagine if we all functioned off of something different. Say, applesauce. Every meeting had an applesauce break, and applesauce machines were a kitchen staple. Reports were turned in dotted with applesauce stains, and everybody had applesauce travel mugs.

But the question is, can you rob hotels with applesauce? No, but apparently it’s doable with coffee. A man in Virginia entered a hotel (one that has actually been the site of previous crime), and threw a cup of hot coffee in the receptionist’s face. According to Huffington Post, he was then able to snatch a cell phone and a cash drawer filled with about $450. The suspect hasn’t been found yet, probably because the police are using decaf for their job.

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Inventory Check

Ever heard the “fun” fact that everything around you can be used as a weapon? Well, it’s not a challenge.

An elderly man in Florida took it as one, however. He was faced with a multitude of charges after wreaking havoc on neighborhood women. The first happened to pregnant, so logically he poked her with a 4-foot sword. When a second woman intervened, he got testy and threatened her. A third woman heard the commotion and tried to help, but stopped when her chest was smeared with a peanut butter sandwich. According to Huff Post, the man still had some “fight” left in him and bit off part of the seat in the police car after being arrested. This is why sandwiches are for eating.

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They Shouted Never

What’s the happiest instrument you can think of? Definitely not a Theremin. Maybe a sitar, or a didgeridoo? How about a glockenspiel? No, my guess would be a ukulele. However, this story may change your mind…

In Seattle, a young man and woman attempted to steal six beers from a gas station. Malt-liquor (what?) beers, to be exact. The male accomplished this by hitting the store clerk over the head with a ukulele, breaking the instrument and cutting the victims scalp. According to Seattle Weekly, the suspects had fled by the time the police arrived on the scene. Silently, unfortunately.

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Tasteless Facebook Photos Help Prosecute Drunken Driver

By JJ Duncan on At some point I predict we'll stop seeing cases where blatantly bad behavior posted all over social networking sites gets people in serious trouble.

At some point, people like Joshua Lipton will say to themselves "hey you know what? I get it. It's both stupid and tasteless to post pictures of me partying in a jailbird outfit while the victim of my drunken driving recovers in a hospital."

But that time has yet to come. Lipton's Facebook pictures helped prosecutors argue successfully for a two-year prison term for the seemingly unrepentant partier. (More CNN Crime )

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Subscribe to Stupid Criminals Related Articles:Writer, editor, and sometimes graphic designer for Zimbio.com since 2008. Follow me on Twitter.

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Haters Gonna Hate

Sunday, September 16th, 2012 • Filed under Other

Remember how you always thought your parents were lame for listening to old music? Well, imagine driving your kids to school with Lady Gaga blasting out the speakers. Imagine driving your kids to school. Imagine driving. Yeah, maybe we’re thinking too far ahead here.

A woman in New Hampshire managed to get arrested four times in only 26 hours. How? Outdated music taste. Turned up loud enough for the neighbors to hear. According to Huffington Post, the police issued a warning against her earsplitting soundtrack of “Highway To Hell”. She refused to comply, and was arrested multiple times. At one point her nephew tried to pick up some of his stuff from her house and the woman, ever so reasonable, threw a frying pan at him. “Oh mama, I have got to get me one of these.”

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Hot Off The Grill

Sunday, October 21st, 2012 • Filed under Assaults, Other Weapons

To continue with the meat theme, how many of you are vegetarian? Or worse, vegan? I’m  not sure I trust people who would choose spinach over bacon, or not eating cake over eating cake. What kind of insanity is next?

Apparently this kind of insanity, although it almost justifies not eating meat. A man in Massachusetts decided it’d be a good idea to steal a sausage. His next moment of brilliance involved attacking a passing biker with it. When this proved unsuccessful, he began assaulting the victim with a wrench. According to Huffington Post, the motives are completely unknown. Which is a shame, because then this would make complete and utter sense, right?

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