Introducing The Vogue Spring Collection!

Saturday, August 11th, 2012 • Filed under Banks

Nobody looks through a fashion magazine expecting to see stuff they’d like to wear…right? “Yes, that’s a lovely pair of shorts; I especially love how it reaches her elbows.” or “Thanks, I’ve always wanted my make-up to look like a rainbow gasoline spill”. Honestly, just because an editor board of gay European men deems something trendy, does not mean you should invest in it.

Additionally, just because a Hispanic guy wears his shorts a certain way to rob a bank, does not mean you should follow suit. According to New Times, a man wearing shorts on his head walked into a bank and asked for “what are 20s and 50s”. When the bank-teller seemed confused, he simply stated “never mind” and left. Probably late to get his hair dry-cleaned.

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No Emoji For that

Sunday, July 29th, 2012 • Filed under Assaults

Thank goodness for texting, right? How else could that girl in the London Opening Ceremonies have found her phone if her friend didn’t have one too? And, of course, how could we have updated our Twitter/Facebook/Pinterest /calculator/refrigerator with our witty reaction to the enormous baby? However, read on to learn some downsides (gasp) of constant social connection.

Or maybe it’s more like a downside to crime is getting caught. Two young men in Florida discovered this after mugging two elderly women last April. Police had been investigating the case, and eventually acquired a warrant to search a suspect’s phone. According to New Times, its inbox contained poorly punctuated texts about the crime being on the news, and the suggestion to leave the state. Roflcopter and lmao.

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“Are You Wired In Now?!”

Monday, August 6th, 2012 • Filed under Other

Anybody else wondering when Facebook will meet its eventual doom? You know, the darkness that eventually overtook MySpace. Granted, Facebook may have been that darkness.

If so, the darkness has spread to people as well, such as this young father from Minnesota. After his girlfriend broke up with him (not because he’s a nerd, but because he’s an asshole), she took the next step by blocking him on Facebook. According to City Pages, he arrived at her house after finding out, kicked down the door, and demanded an explanation. This little tantrum caused him to owe her over $2,000 and possibly 5 years in prison…and it still wasn’t as exciting as Eduardo’s.

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Crime Pays

Once in a while, some credit should be given to the victims; it’s not always the criminals that make this site so delightfully stupid. Now, I’m not saying they deserve it, so don’t go out and rob someone because they like One Direction or vandalize their lawn for buying Snookie’s autobiography, but sometimes the innocent ones raise our self-esteem a bit as well.

So here’s what not to do when a bunch of teenage hooligans (or thugs, ruffians, hoodlums…pick your favorite) drive by and throw a milkshake in your face: toss back your alligator skin purse. A California woman is to thank for that lesson, whose purse happened to contain $2,000 in cash.  Palo Alto Online reports that she had thrown the purse in return for the milkshake to the face, but it ended up going right through the vehicle’s window. And into the hands of kids likely to buy 2 grand worth of frozen dairy.

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The Cool Mom: You’re Doing It Wrong

Sunday, July 8th, 2012 • Filed under Assaults, Drugs, Drunks

Let’s just take a moment to admire all of our mothers and their uniquely wonderful qualities. Who else in your life is a chef who works as a full-time chauffeur and is a doctor or referee when needed, with some psychiatry going on the side? Extra points if she’s one of the few who didn’t run out and buy a copy of 50 Shades of Grey.

And even more points if she’s not this woman from Houston who threw a party for her middle schooler and three friends. Sounds innocent enough, right? Well, just add some beer, weed, and a butcher knife. According to Houston Press, a woman came to pick up her kid and found the host drunk off her butt. When confronted, she began punching and hitting the poor sober mother. Then, as if a point hadn’t been made, she retrieved an enormous knife from the kitchen and began making threats. Luckily, the other woman picked up her daughter and left safely. Another teen, unfortunately, had to be hospitalized for too much alcohol. Too bad people can’t be hospitalized for too much idiocy.

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Ketchup With That?

Sunday, July 1st, 2012 • Filed under Assaults, Drugs

In general, weed keeps people pretty chill, right? I mean, the only thing most smokers do is eat enormous mountains of food…until the hunger is replaced with another word beginning with H. Anyway, while I am by no means endorsing illicit plants of any kind, marijuana is not as bad as others. So why use the dangerous synthetic kind?

Here’s a reason why not. In the apparently whacko town of Waco, a young man was arrested for eating the family dog. Live. You know, like all the best sushi. According to Houston Press, he had assaulted all the members of the household before strangling the poor pooch and taking a bite. All under the influence of a synthetic weed called K-2. Not even bath salts this time.

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Drunk Driving Level: Redneck

Monday, July 30th, 2012 • Filed under Cars, Drunks

Accounts of drunk driving always seem to get worse and worse. You never hear about the nice old man who had one too many glasses of Pinot Grigio at his 50th anniversary dinner and only dozed off at the wheel for a moment. Picture Alfred in the Batmobile.

Nope, it’s always stories like this. A young woman testified to Texas’ reputation on the Fourth after placing a grill still full of hot coals in the back of her truck. In the front was her 3 year old son who, as well as the mother, remained oblivious to the flames and smoke protruding from the bed. They still didn’t notice anything odd even when the fire marshal drove behind honking his horn. Luckily the woman hit a red light, moved her child and herself to safety, and blew about a 0.9. According to Houston Press, the truck wasn’t so lucky and was engulfed in flames, like the oldest special effect in the book.

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Back Atcha

It’s stories like these that make me scared of college. Red Solo cups? Get me one. Eight hours of exams? Make it nine. A campus the size of Alaska? Bring it on. But frat boys and their pepper spray…haunt my nightmares.

A prime example can be found here at Westword Blogs, where two guys belonging to the Sigma Phi Epsilon fraternity got a hold of some pepper spray. And not just any kind, the kind used to fight off bears. Having been drinking all day, they decided a better use for it was a few sprays inside an unfortunate woman’s home. They then sprayed the can’s remainder into another frat house party, only to have the wind blow it back into their faces upon their escape. This is what you get, when you mess with…uh, pepper spray.

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How To Be Single

Sunday, July 15th, 2012 • Filed under Drunks

Burritos are highly revered by the internet and college students everywhere, and it’s easy to see why. Every necessary food group–cheese, meat, rice, and cheese–is all wrapped up in the Spanish equivalent of bread. Just don’t look inside; burritos are much less appealing disassembled (like people).

They’re also a hit with drunk drivers, apparently. When a young man in Minnesota was arrested for drunk driving, he refused to comply with the police until he had finished his burrito, which had been spilling all over his lap. At first he bribed the officer with an offer of $1,000 to let him go home and sleep, but eventually relinquished and blew a .284—a measure over three times the state limit. According to City Pages, the mischief wasn’t quite over yet. The crook also urinated in his cell, and then flipped off the camera in his mug shot. Woah, too much class to handle.

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Emergency

Sunday, July 8th, 2012 • Filed under Drugs, Drunks

Nature. A wonderful place full of flora and fauna that can all fit into one of three categories: cute, pretty, or freaking deadly. Kind of like women, except for some of those can fit into all three. Read on for a story that involves both.

A lady in Florida was investigated after calling the police to ask an incredibly important question: where in the woods she should urinate? I mean, the whole place is kinda one giant public restroom (every germophobe’s nightmare). The cops were suspicious and paid her a visit, only to find that she wasn’t in the woods at all. According to Citypages, she was found sitting on her front porch guzzling a beer. When the police looked in her cooler, they found a handgun. Further investigation concluded that the prank-caller was intoxicated with meth, and now she’ll have to find a restroom in jail.

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Starting ‘Em Young

Sunday, August 5th, 2012 • Filed under Robberies

It’s always nice when kids help out around the house. Even if their idea of help involves scrambling around your feet as you try to talk on the phone while cooking dinner, holding another kid or two, doing dishes, destroying The Ring, and finding an alternative fuel source. Moms’ world problems!

If this is your life, at least you’re doing better than this couple in Pennsylvania. Mr. and Mrs. Kuntz (yes, veritably their names) were arrested after robbing an independent flower shop. The story here at WPXI says that they were both well-dressed and had their four year old daughter in tow. It’s possible that her cuteness was a distraction, because when the florist clerk came back from the greenhouse, the cash register filled with $400 had been stolen. Apparently the couple had been hitting various businesses in the area, obviously trying to be the “cool parents”.

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Cellphone’s Dead

Wednesday, July 25th, 2012 • Filed under Drugs

It’s a little scary to think how many criminals got away with everything before cell phones were invented.  Then again, there may have been less back then. No cyber-bullying, at least. Because, you know, crime is crime and receiving an anonymous text hinting at your unkempt facial forest of acne is definitely the equivalent of finding a dead horse’s head in your bed.

A Cleveland policeman was asleep at 4 am when his cell phone began ringing, and continued to do so until a voicemail message sounded, saying something about a refund for a “$10 rock”. That’s slang for cocaine, not Linkin Park’s musical genre. The policeman, posing as the alleged drug dealer, agreed to meet the caller at a parking lot. According to NY Daily News, four people were then arrested for having drug paraphernalia in their possession. But apparently zero phone skills.

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