Botched Church Robbery Leads Cops to Alleged Killer

(Newser) – Billy Varner has an odd idea of keeping a low profile. The 54-year-old Chicago-area man was wanted in connection with the deaths of his mother and girlfriend, but that didn't stop him from allegedly walking into a Catholic Church in the middle of Saturday evening mass wielding a shotgun and attempting to rob the place, the Lake County News-Sun reports. To be fair, the church was in Williston, ND, almost 1,000 miles away from his home in Antioch, Ill. But it turns out he'd picked the wrong church to mess with.

"The parishioners in the church chased him out and gave a good description," Antioch's police chief said in a press conference. "The suspect fled the scene, and several church goers followed." This strange chase ended when police "intercepted" Varner's tan conversion van and arrested him "without incident." They soon learned that he was wanted for questioning, and Varner was today charged with first-degree murder in the deaths of Dorothy Varner, 82, and Peggy Henderson, 61. As for the cause of death, police will only say that it was "suspicious," reports the Chicago Tribune.

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Man's Prank on Sister Snarls Traffic for Hours

(Newser) – A man's prank call to his sister resulted in the closure of an interstate highway in California yesterday. During the afternoon, the man called up his sister anonymously to warn her that there was a bomb in her car, 10News reports. She pulled over on I-15 and called 911, prompting an investigation that closed the highway in both directions for about two hours in San Diego.

The brother called back after an hour, revealing the prank. He was arrested on a felony false threat charge. "There (were) thousands and thousands of people that were stuck in traffic for over an hour based on this hoax," says a police officer.

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Suit: Scamming Car Dealer Tried to Run Over Buyer

(Newser) – Something wacky went down at the New York Motor Group, according to a lawsuit that claims a Queens man was conned, nearly run over, and even threatened with divorce by the dealership's owner and employees. It's a crazy tale packed with an "escalating series of insane events," the Village Voice reports.
Shahdat Tuhin bought a car for what he thought was the discounted price of $13,995, and left $2,000 as down payment. Two days later, he met with the finance manager—who apparently went by John, Jay, and Julio—but the man's "software did not let him print" the contract terms. He asked Tuhin to sign a blank contract; Tuhin refused.Tuhin next saw that the car had new body damage and said he wanted out of the deal. Told he'd have to pay 35% of the purchase price anyway, he agreed to sign a cheaper, $12,000 contract. But the man "obscured the paper so that he could not see the areas surrounding his signatures," according to the suit. When he tried to read it, "John" snapped, "Don't touch."The contract was actually a buyer's order for $22,795, the suit says. A retail installment contract charged him $26,000, plus $5,000 in fees.When he went back with the intention of returning the car, a sales rep said, per the suit, "that among the myriad papers he was pressured into signing without reading were divorce papers, and that they would file for divorce on his behalf if he bothered them again."While staging a "peaceful" protest at the lot, Tuhin claims the owner then tried to run him over, while an employee sprayed him with a hose he was using to wash cars.Tuhin parked the car back at the lot and surrendered his plates to the DMV. That night, employees parked the car next to a fire hydrant near Tuhin's home, the suit alleges, and gave the keys to Tuhin's daughter, 9.Tuhin is suing for fraud, breach of contract, and several other violations, while owner Mamdoh Eltouby faces assault charges. For more crazy details and a look at the suit, click here.

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Guy's Excuse for Going 140mph: I Had to Pee

(Newser) – When you gotta go, apparently you gotta go 140mph: Or at least that's the excuse 26-year-old Adam Lester fed to a cop in Pekin, Ill., after he was allegedly clocked going 140mph through town. Police say Lester was cruising at way more than the 55mph speed limit, then evaded police by racing through a red light—all while a girl, 16, clung to his back, the Pekin Daily Times reports.

When police finally spotted the bike parked between two buildings and "snuck up" on Lester, "he said he had to pee," police say. Unfortunately for Lester, he was still slapped with a speeding ticket—his fourth in the past month— and charges of reckless driving, endangering the safety of a minor, and fleeing and attempting to elude police. Unfortunately for his bladder, as per the Daily Times: "He had to wait until the officer took him to police headquarters."

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Groom Forgets to Book Venue, Freaks, Calls in Bomb Threat

(Newser) – The BBC and AP provide the details on a tale of wedding-day craziness in Britain:
Problem: The day before he was supposed to get married in Liverpool's St. George's Hall, Neil McCardle realized he had forgotten to actually book the place.Solution: He sat on this nugget of information until the next day—his wedding day—then phoned in a bomb threat to the venue.Success: The ploy, coming less than two weeks after the Boston Marathon bombing, worked like a charm as police evacuated the building. (This resulted in McCardle's would-be bride standing in a street in her wedding dress.)Failure: Police traced the call to McCardle that same day, and he confessed and apologized. A judge yesterday sentenced him to a year in jail.So true: "If it wasn't so serious, the facts of this case have all the markings of a comedy," said his lawyer in court.Love endures: The couple is still together, though apparently still unwed.

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Macabre Clue Leads Police to Suspected Thief

(Newser) – This month's entry in the annals of truly stupid criminals: Police in Arizona say they found a would-be thief thanks to the suspect's own severed finger, the Arizona Republic reports. Joshua Allen Goverman, 29, allegedly tried to steal copper wiring (value: $300) from an air conditioning truck Oct. 7 but apparently lost his finger in the process. He then, for some reason, left the finger behind. In the morning, the victim went to his truck and "got quite a surprise," a police news release says. "A cut-off finger that was caught up in the wiring."

The grossest quote we've heard in a while, from a Glendale cop: "They took a Popsicle stick and were able to attach it to that finger, and they were able to roll that finger and get a print on that finger." That led them to Goverman, who was indeed missing a finger. This being 2013, they also reviewed his Facebook account, and found an image the criminal genius had posted prior to his arrest "of his hand with the missing portion of his finger." He gave detectives the same story he'd posted on Facebook: that the finger was severed while he was fixing a car. But he apparently 'fessed up after police actually showed him the finger and ended up getting booked on theft charges. "I can't believe he didn't come back and get the finger," the truck's driver marvels to KPHO. "I would've come back and got the finger."

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