Botched Church Robbery Leads Cops to Alleged Killer

(Newser) – Billy Varner has an odd idea of keeping a low profile. The 54-year-old Chicago-area man was wanted in connection with the deaths of his mother and girlfriend, but that didn't stop him from allegedly walking into a Catholic Church in the middle of Saturday evening mass wielding a shotgun and attempting to rob the place, the Lake County News-Sun reports. To be fair, the church was in Williston, ND, almost 1,000 miles away from his home in Antioch, Ill. But it turns out he'd picked the wrong church to mess with.

"The parishioners in the church chased him out and gave a good description," Antioch's police chief said in a press conference. "The suspect fled the scene, and several church goers followed." This strange chase ended when police "intercepted" Varner's tan conversion van and arrested him "without incident." They soon learned that he was wanted for questioning, and Varner was today charged with first-degree murder in the deaths of Dorothy Varner, 82, and Peggy Henderson, 61. As for the cause of death, police will only say that it was "suspicious," reports the Chicago Tribune.

View the original article here

Man's Prank on Sister Snarls Traffic for Hours

(Newser) – A man's prank call to his sister resulted in the closure of an interstate highway in California yesterday. During the afternoon, the man called up his sister anonymously to warn her that there was a bomb in her car, 10News reports. She pulled over on I-15 and called 911, prompting an investigation that closed the highway in both directions for about two hours in San Diego.

The brother called back after an hour, revealing the prank. He was arrested on a felony false threat charge. "There (were) thousands and thousands of people that were stuck in traffic for over an hour based on this hoax," says a police officer.

View the original article here

Suit: Scamming Car Dealer Tried to Run Over Buyer

(Newser) – Something wacky went down at the New York Motor Group, according to a lawsuit that claims a Queens man was conned, nearly run over, and even threatened with divorce by the dealership's owner and employees. It's a crazy tale packed with an "escalating series of insane events," the Village Voice reports.
Shahdat Tuhin bought a car for what he thought was the discounted price of $13,995, and left $2,000 as down payment. Two days later, he met with the finance manager—who apparently went by John, Jay, and Julio—but the man's "software did not let him print" the contract terms. He asked Tuhin to sign a blank contract; Tuhin refused.Tuhin next saw that the car had new body damage and said he wanted out of the deal. Told he'd have to pay 35% of the purchase price anyway, he agreed to sign a cheaper, $12,000 contract. But the man "obscured the paper so that he could not see the areas surrounding his signatures," according to the suit. When he tried to read it, "John" snapped, "Don't touch."The contract was actually a buyer's order for $22,795, the suit says. A retail installment contract charged him $26,000, plus $5,000 in fees.When he went back with the intention of returning the car, a sales rep said, per the suit, "that among the myriad papers he was pressured into signing without reading were divorce papers, and that they would file for divorce on his behalf if he bothered them again."While staging a "peaceful" protest at the lot, Tuhin claims the owner then tried to run him over, while an employee sprayed him with a hose he was using to wash cars.Tuhin parked the car back at the lot and surrendered his plates to the DMV. That night, employees parked the car next to a fire hydrant near Tuhin's home, the suit alleges, and gave the keys to Tuhin's daughter, 9.Tuhin is suing for fraud, breach of contract, and several other violations, while owner Mamdoh Eltouby faces assault charges. For more crazy details and a look at the suit, click here.

View the original article here

Guy's Excuse for Going 140mph: I Had to Pee

(Newser) – When you gotta go, apparently you gotta go 140mph: Or at least that's the excuse 26-year-old Adam Lester fed to a cop in Pekin, Ill., after he was allegedly clocked going 140mph through town. Police say Lester was cruising at way more than the 55mph speed limit, then evaded police by racing through a red light—all while a girl, 16, clung to his back, the Pekin Daily Times reports.

When police finally spotted the bike parked between two buildings and "snuck up" on Lester, "he said he had to pee," police say. Unfortunately for Lester, he was still slapped with a speeding ticket—his fourth in the past month— and charges of reckless driving, endangering the safety of a minor, and fleeing and attempting to elude police. Unfortunately for his bladder, as per the Daily Times: "He had to wait until the officer took him to police headquarters."

View the original article here

Groom Forgets to Book Venue, Freaks, Calls in Bomb Threat

(Newser) – The BBC and AP provide the details on a tale of wedding-day craziness in Britain:
Problem: The day before he was supposed to get married in Liverpool's St. George's Hall, Neil McCardle realized he had forgotten to actually book the place.Solution: He sat on this nugget of information until the next day—his wedding day—then phoned in a bomb threat to the venue.Success: The ploy, coming less than two weeks after the Boston Marathon bombing, worked like a charm as police evacuated the building. (This resulted in McCardle's would-be bride standing in a street in her wedding dress.)Failure: Police traced the call to McCardle that same day, and he confessed and apologized. A judge yesterday sentenced him to a year in jail.So true: "If it wasn't so serious, the facts of this case have all the markings of a comedy," said his lawyer in court.Love endures: The couple is still together, though apparently still unwed.

View the original article here

Macabre Clue Leads Police to Suspected Thief

(Newser) – This month's entry in the annals of truly stupid criminals: Police in Arizona say they found a would-be thief thanks to the suspect's own severed finger, the Arizona Republic reports. Joshua Allen Goverman, 29, allegedly tried to steal copper wiring (value: $300) from an air conditioning truck Oct. 7 but apparently lost his finger in the process. He then, for some reason, left the finger behind. In the morning, the victim went to his truck and "got quite a surprise," a police news release says. "A cut-off finger that was caught up in the wiring."

The grossest quote we've heard in a while, from a Glendale cop: "They took a Popsicle stick and were able to attach it to that finger, and they were able to roll that finger and get a print on that finger." That led them to Goverman, who was indeed missing a finger. This being 2013, they also reviewed his Facebook account, and found an image the criminal genius had posted prior to his arrest "of his hand with the missing portion of his finger." He gave detectives the same story he'd posted on Facebook: that the finger was severed while he was fixing a car. But he apparently 'fessed up after police actually showed him the finger and ended up getting booked on theft charges. "I can't believe he didn't come back and get the finger," the truck's driver marvels to KPHO. "I would've come back and got the finger."

View the original article here

Guy Tweets Pot Request, Cops Tweet Him Back

(Newser) – Twitter, it seems, might not be the best place to conduct your weed-related transactions. A worker at an auto shop near Toronto has lost his job after tweeting for pot to be brought to his workplace. "Any dealers in Vaughan wanna make a 20sac chop? Come to Keele/Langstaff Mr. Lube, need a spliff," Sunith Baheerathan posted. He got an enthusiastic reply—from police, the Canadian Press reports via the Globe and Mail. "Awesome! Can we come too?" tweeted the York Regional Police. The conversation became a trending topic in the region.

Baheerathan's firing also became clear through Twitter, where he announced it to a friend. A coworker wouldn't say whether the firing was directly related to his less-than-smooth transaction. Meanwhile, Baheerathan offered further thoughts on the matter: "I've lost complete hope in society man," he tweeted. "There's killers/rapists/people missing and all they care about is a dude asking for weed." His Twitter account has perhaps wisely been converted to private, USA Today notes. (The York Regional Police have a number of other gems on its Twitter feed.)

View the original article here

Cops: Drug Dealer Accidentally Texts Police

(Newser) – A detective in New Jersey's Andover Township got a strange text on his new cell phone: Hey, it asked, want to buy a quarter-pound of pot? Well, sure, replied the detective, who then set up a rendezvous. The would-be seller smelled a rat upon arrival and fled, but police soon confiscated four bags of marijuana from his vehicle, reports NJ.com. Nicholas Delear (yep, his real last name), 33, now faces a slew of drug charges in what might be the easiest bust of the year.

View the original article here

Inmate Plotted Murder ... via Paper Airplane: Cops

(Newser) – A Long Island man accused of rape will now also be charged with conspiracy to murder after what police say was a plot hatched using, well, paper airplanes. Patrick O'Sullivan, 21, had hoped to kill his alleged victim and a witness, police say, and offered a fellow inmate $23,000 to make it happen, via flying notes the men called "kites," NBC New York reports. "Without a vic's statement, the DA's case against me would lose all the power right? As long as you get that done, I will be Gucci," said one message, which the other inmate (who is set to be released soon) then handed over to police.

O'Sullivan's alleged plot was particularly gruesome: He wanted the victim's body dumped in the water, but the witness' body buried ... "so after the case against me collapses and I get out of jail I can dig up the body, cut its head off and mail it to his family for the holidays," one of the notes allegedly said. O'Sullivan is accused of raping the woman at gunpoint while she was housesitting, the New York Daily News reports; he allegedly admitted in one of the notes that he wasn't wearing a condom. O'Sullivan could face life in prison for the rape charge alone. (In another recent case, a wife convinced her husband to shoot their neighbor ... over "telepathic rape.")

View the original article here

Ex-NFLer Watches, via Twitter, as Teens Trash Home

(Newser) – A Labor Day party at an ex-NFLer's Stephentown, New York, vacation home turned into a real mess, as hundreds of partying high-schoolers smashed windows, punched holes in walls, and graffitied the place, the AP reports. But it wasn't just that Brian Holloway was upset by the $20,000 in damage; his main concern was that he wasn't invited. His 19-year-old son spotted tweets about the party and told Holloway, who watched it unfold—by way of tweets and Twitter photos—from his Florida home; one photo showed people standing on a table that the former Patriots offensive lineman bought with his Super Bowl XX bonus. And the kids weren't exactly secretive: The New York Daily News reports that some spray-painted their names on walls; others tweeted invites to the Aug. 31 party a full five days before it happened.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, "It's not hard to identify who they were," says Holloway. "We've got 170 tweets. We have 200 to 220 names already confirmed today. And that data is all going to the sheriffs." That's not the only place the data is going: He has also been posting it to a website dubbed helpmesave300, in an effort to get the teens to come forward, take responsibility, and adjust their behavior. He also wants them to come back, only this time it's to clean up. "I believe that they can be turned around," he explains, per Fox Sports, which has photos from the party and its aftermath. "If we do nothing regarding these 300 students, we will have missed our chance to take a stand for their future."

View the original article here

Dye Trap Nabs Green-Faced Thief

(Newser) – A luckless thief in London was caught not red-handed, but green-faced after breaking into a police "decoy car" equipped with a dye trap, the BBC reports. The 28-year-old, who stole a laptop and other items from the car, was arrested when the system alerted police to the theft and was convicted when police produced photos of his face glowing bright green under ultraviolet light.

The otherwise invisible liquid had been sprayed on him by the booby-trapped car. Police in London are in the process of testing three separate devices that spray thieves with a fine mist that can link them to specific incidents through a combination of chemicals as well as turning them green, reports the Daily Mail.

View the original article here

OJ's New Crime: Cookie Theft?

(Newser) – OJ Simpson has managed to get himself in trouble again—from behind bars. After lunch, guards spotted the former football star, in a Nevada jail for armed robbery, concealing something under his prison outfit, according to the National Enquirer. Turns out there were more than a dozen cookies underneath, Gawker reports. "OJ just stood there with a goofy grin on his face as the guard kept digging inside his shirt and throwing the cookies on the floor," says the Enquirer's source.

Simpson has been urged to cut down on sugary foods due to diabetes, the Daily Mail notes. But "the temptation of the cookies in the prison chow line was too much for him," says the source. "When the guard started pulling cookies out of OJ's shirt, the other inmates started laughing so hard they nearly fell over." His punishment, per the Mail: just a warning.

View the original article here

5 Craziest Crimes of the Week

(Newser) – A crime-fighting fencer and a bizarre cold case involving decades-old murders make the cut: Fencing Coach Foils Crime as Only a Fencing Coach Can: Two Nashville robbers had the misfortune to try to steal a purse in a shopping center parking lot just as Franco Scaramuzza pulled in. That's because Scaramuzza is a fencing coach who had just left practice and still had his equipment with him.Cops: Elderly Pair Killed Their Spouses, Kids Decades Ago: It's a pretty shocking allegation: that a Missouri couple in their seventies killed their spouses, along with two children, decades ago. But that's exactly what prosecutors allege.9-Year-Old Assaults Teacher After She Takes iPad: Police in Rock Hill, South Carolina, were summoned to a school when a boy erupted into a rage after his 26-year-old female teacher made the mistake of ... confiscating his iPad.Inmate Allegedly Plots Murder via Paper Airplanes: A Long Island man accused of rape also faces murder conspiracy charges after police say he tried to recruit a fellow inmate to kill his alleged victim and a witness. His method of communication? Paper airplanes, of course.Cops: Drug Dealer Accidentally Texts Police: A detective in New Jersey's Andover Township got a strange text on his new cell phone: Hey, it asked, want to buy a quarter-pound of pot? The result might be the easiest bust of the year.Click for more crazy crimes.

View the original article here

Scrooge McDuck Helps Crack Murder Case

(Newser) – In life, Miguel Rodriguez was apparently a big fan of Scrooge McDuck. In death, the cartoon character may have helped catch his killers. The Hartford Courant explains the weird case: The 25-year-old Rodriguez was shot to death on a city street this summer, and his killers stole a custom-made gold chain from around his neck that featured the famous duck. His fandom (no explanation offered) and a new state law requiring more thorough records at pawn shops combined to break the case.

Police kept scouring the records of local shops after the killing, and, voila, the McDuck necklace finally turned up, along with the name and photo of the person who sold it. As a result, Tyquan Turner, 21, and Lorenza Christian, 22, were charged in the case. Selling such a distinctive piece of jewelry to a local shop so soon after a murder? Slate assesses the case and awards Christian a 5.5 out of 10 on its dumb-criminal scale.

View the original article here

Bank Burglary Suspect Falls Through Roof, Is Arrested

(AP) – A burglar who tried to break into an ATM at a bank in San Francisco was arrested today after he hopped onto the roof of a nearby building to escape and fell into an apartment, police said. The 230-pound suspect was not seriously injured. "There was a hole in the roof where he fell through just as we were ordering him to put his hands up," says a sergeant. The man used a crowbar to try to break into the ATM inside a Bank of America branch in the Portola neighborhood around 3:45am, say police. He apparently got in through a ventilation shaft, but tripped a silent alarm in the process. He was on his way out when police arrived, and the chase was on.

View the original article here

The Toast of the Town

How mad have you gotten at your neighbor? Angry enough to lose your breakfast over it? And I’m not talking about the gross reverse digestion way, but actually get rid of your perfectly good breakfast. This guy knows what I’m talking about.

A South Carolina man was caught rubbing buttered toast all over his neighbor’s SUV window. Seems like a foolproof plan, how did he get caught? According to MSN, He just dropped the toast a few feet away from the car and made his departure, causing a nearby woman to notice and call the police. The police charged the now hungry man with “malicious damage to property” and estimated the cost of damage to be about $1. Time for a low-carb diet maybe?

View the original article here

Not So Chill

What’s the hottest you’ve ever been? Temperature-wise of course, because if it was in physical terms, we all know we were the hottest at our 5th grade, bowl-cut, chubs stage. But really, to what extent would you go to cool off?

Hopefully not so far you’d get arrested, but this is exactly what a group of four young men in Germany did. On a hot day, they decided to make their own pool in a car. In a BMW no less. According to HP, a policeman noticed a very strange convertible driving down the road. Upon closer viewing, it appeared that the bathing-suit clad men were splashing around in the water-filled car, clearly intoxicated. Though there was no law against driving around with a pool in someone’s car, they were probably charged for driving without a permit. Talk about hot water.

View the original article here

Let’s Get The Bleep Outta Here

Sometimes people don’t want their babies. Throughout history, these people have found convenient ways to get rid of them.  In the middle ages, a popular solution was to leave a swaddled infant on the doorstep of a misfortunate new parent. Worse for the child, another option was an orphanage. In later times, parents could even put their kid in the circus for life. The last one, I’m actually jealous of.

It might not have been this Florida woman’s goal to give away her child, but that’s sure what it looked like. She had gone shopping at Dillard’s, and tried to shoplift $260 worth of clothing using her baby stroller. When a police officer followed her out to her car, she flipped out and eventually threw her baby in its little carseat at him. According to HP, the baby was not injured. The shoplifter received three charges, including “resisting a police officer without violence”. Um. What would be violent, throwing her entire family?

View the original article here

Meat A Loser

What do you guys think about sausage? I suppose it’s better than a hot dog, which in turn is better than bologna (which is basically giant hot dog slices?). And no matter what, it has to be better than Lunchables *shudder*.

No matter your opinion, sausage was a huge disappointment for this Phoenix man. He attempted to rob two large businesses, first an Ace Hardware and then a Safeway. He put his hand under his shirt to look like a gun, but the cashier was not fooled and calmly said “no” to his request for money. Equally unsuccessful was his attempt to rob a Safeway, which resulted in him being escorted out of the building. According to Phoenix New Times, he waited a few minutes before returning into the store to snag a small breakfast sausage and was therefore charged with shoplifting. I guess all that failing worked up an appetite.

View the original article here

Demon Hunting 101

We’ve all seen those movies about crazy people who believe demons live in their house, right? Terrifying stuff, but the demons are probably more scared of you than you are of them. Just…grab a big shoe. And kill all the flies so they have nothing to eat. Oh. Maybe I’m thinking of something else, something scarier.

One guy in Arizona was so freaked out he almost burnt down the house. With his roommates still home, he started a fire in his bedroom closet where he believed they were hiding. He used paint thinner, and is reported to have been reciting Bible verses. According to AZ Central, he said he had planned to tell the police but forgot, and he was admitted to the hospital with burns on his feet. The important thing is, the house is now 100% demon free.

View the original article here

High Score

Some typical “drug things” you have to be high to enjoy. Movies and music can usually hold up pretty well when watched sober, but not the consumption of Taco Bell. And especially not Doritos Locos Tacos. If you’re eating those, doing drugs is not your biggest problem.

Do you have to be high to enjoy certain video games? Apparently yes to Pac-Man, hence his never-ending hunger. In South Carolina, a 40 year old man attempted to smuggle pot around in his vehicle. How? By stuffing it all in a Pac-Man arcade game. According to HP, the vehicle was impounded. Looks like it’s game over for this guy.

View the original article here

Grouse, On The House

What to do when unsatisfied with the service at a bar? Whatever course of action you choose, please don’t harm or kill anything. And I’m not just talking about people.

When a customer was turned away at a bar due to an “alcohol problem”, he became angry. To express his emotions, he threw a dead groundhog and a dead grouse (??????) into the bar. According to HP, using small dead rodents as a form of revenge is actually very common. Still, clearly this guy had more of a problem than his drinking.

View the original article here

Sweet Tooth

If you’re using razorblades for something other than shaving, we need to have a talk. If you’re eating razorblades, we NEED to have a talk. If you’re eating drugstore doughnuts, we need to have a TALK.

Unfortunately, co-workers in Utah have done all three. A man and a woman filed a fake police report against a nearby drugstore, after allegedly filling purchased doughnuts with small razorblades and then consuming them. This was in order to get paid by the drugstore. Worse, they made a fellow Dollar Tree employee try one as well. According to Huff Post, the flaw in their plan presented itself when policeman realized the drugstore doughnuts had been packaged in another state and shipped. Seriously, said the vegan, just eat some broccoli.

View the original article here

Dad, I Said We Wanted A Pony!

Some animals really aren’t cute at all. You never see anyone begging their parents for an echidna, or stealing a toad from a pet shop. And there won’t ever be a heartfelt movie where the spider crab dies in the end. Still, everyone has one weird little creature that they love.

A Florida man clearly has a soft spot for manatees. When he and his two young daughters took a trip to Taylor Creek, he spotted one. Clearly thrilled, he put up pictures on Facebook of his daughters riding and petting a baby manatee. According to Miami New Times, someone who saw the pictures contacted the authorities, and the man was arrested for violating the Florida Manatee Sanctuary Act. As if Florida is having a hard time finding things to arrest people for…

View the original article here

Dumb Coupons

As with anything crazy enough to have its own reality show, sometimes extreme couponing can get a bit too extreme. And no, this isn’t about a woman who bought 7 tons of dog food or enough frozen broccoli to feed a small nation for less than two digits. Read on to find out who went totally berserk.

When a Wal-Mart employee told a customer that they didn’t accept printed online coupons, I doubt he was prepared for the feisty 61 year old woman’s response. The assistant manager got involved, and was called names by the upset costumer. According to Miami New Times, more employees followed her out to her car. “I have something for y’all”, she declared as she waved around a 38. special she had gotten out. The police were called at this point, and she eventually had to be tasered. The worst part? The coupon only saved $1.

View the original article here

He Moved His Clip

What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done in school? And how far would you go to hide it from your parents?

According to HP, an 11 year old in Spain staged a fake kidnapping just to avoid a parent-teacher conference. He sent a text message to his father alerting him that he’d been kidnapped while taking out the trash. His father just happens to be police officer, who sent out a search all the way into Portugal. It turns out that the little actor was just hiding out at another house his family owned. Needless to say, the conference never happened.

View the original article here

Soulmates

Monday, January 21st, 2013 • Filed under Cars, Drunks

“You make me a better person.” As cliché as that may sound, it’s probably a good element to have in a marriage. If you’re nuts for a health nut, jog with them. If someone cooler than you made a mix tape, you better listen to that or else. And if someone is really into drinking and driving…

Wait, no. Some habits just should not be picked up in a relationship. A married couple in Rhode Island found this out when they were both arrested for DUI. On the same night, but in separately. Suspicious? Little bit. According to Huffington Post, the husband was actually charged while riding his motorcycle to see his wife in custody. Lord only knows what their kids are like…

View the original article here

Brownies Weren’t Healthy

Tuesday, January 15th, 2013 • Filed under Drugs, Smugglers

What’s better in soup, marijuana or vegetables? Well, we all know which one is better in you.

There was confusion about this raised in California. Inside $500,000 worth of frozen carrots, someone had hidden 310 pounds of marijuana. According to Huffington Post, the truck was inspected by officials and the driver is facing federal drug charges. Would have made more sense to hide the weed in Taco Bell chalupas, where only other potheads will find it.

View the original article here

Petsitting 101

Sunday, January 6th, 2013 • Filed under Cars, Guns

Over winter vacation, my family and I had the opportunity to visit a place called Rainforest Adventures. Although most rainforest animals were missing and replaced by commonplace creatures like goats and mice, it was certainly an adventure. The chinchilla exhibit even featured a plastic fork in the corner, when they had clearly finished their lunch. Sadly, this kind of nonsense happens even when pets are legally owned.

A woman was spotted walking a Chihuahua she was babysitting. Why would this be a big deal? Only because she was driving while holding the leash out the window.  When a concerned neighbor inquired about this, the woman threatened to get her gun. According to WestWord Blogs, she was later arrested  back at her home. And the poor puppy was returned to Taco Bell.

View the original article here

No Pineapple, At Least

Monday, November 19th, 2012 • Filed under Cars

Frozen, greasy, cold, steaming, homemade, meaty, or vegetable-y…everybody loves pizza. There’s not much I wouldn’t do for a slice of pizza at any given time. Better yet if it was calorie-free. Or even just free.

Luckily I don’t have to give up my house to be offered pizza, unlike these people in Indiana. A man who had previously consumed five beers was having trouble driving (shocking enough), and was unable to stop himself from driving into a house. Needless to say, the inhabitants were unhappy. So he said the logical thing: “Want some pizza?” According to Huffington Post, he really did have a pizza and a bottle of hot sauce in the backseat of his car. Amends made?

View the original article here

Medium Rare, Please

Giving Christmas presents becomes increasingly difficult as everyone grows up. Few people have the need for a third toaster, and nobody wants one of those hideous sweaters with the dancing cats. So what simple object can prove useful?

Clearly, it’s a barbecue fork. When a teenage thief in Texas attempted a home invasion, he was faced with a surprise. The 73 year old homeowner grabbed a pair of scissors and a barbecue fork and met him at the back door. According to HP, she then stabbed him in the neck with the fork.  We’re not quite sure who’s the victim and who’s the criminal here…

View the original article here

Small Potatoes

Sunday, October 7th, 2012 • Filed under Assaults

Everybody has weird little quirks. A conversation with a group of friends once went like this: “If you could incorporate any food into your sex life, which would it be?” “Chocolate.” “Yeah, probably chocolate.” “Chocolate sounds good.” “OMG MASHED POTATOES!” Someone’s a lucky guy…

Occasionally, having said quirks can get people arrested. A woman in Florida ordered mashed potatoes and was disappointed when they were cold. She requested a 50% discount, and instead received a credit slip to be used on her next visit. This visit came next Monday, according to HP, when the woman arrived again to speak to the manager. This ended in a fight, and the police were called after the manager had nearly been throttled. This is why starch is unhealthy.

View the original article here

Not Funny.

Monday, November 19th, 2012 • Filed under Assaults, Other Weapons

Did you know that clowns are one of the top ten most common phobias? Not surprising, and I’ll just stop this line of thought before giving any of you (or myself) nightmares for a week.

Even cops run into problems with these guys. A man was driving down the road when he witnessed what appeared to be a policeman beating up a clown. Upon looking closer, he confirmed that it was indeed a cop beating up a clown, and took a video. According to WISN, the story behind this was that the clown had been squirting every passing car with a water gun, and therefore needed to be taken care of. Hopefully taken back to the circus.

View the original article here

Just ‘Cause You Didn’t Get Your Letter…

Monday, November 5th, 2012 • Filed under Assaults, Kidnappings

Sometimes kids just take it to the next level, you know? All you were trying to do was recapture your “friend” who had left the scout troop to live in the woods with his crazy, scissor-wielding girlfriend. And then your dog ends up hurt, so unfair.

While that story may be a work of fiction, this one isn’t. Ten teenagers, apparently a bit lonely and in need of a pet, approached a younger boy who happened to be walking his pet owl. The teenagers attacked the owner with Silly String, and punched him in the face upon his retaliation. Luckily he escaped with the owl, according to HP. Maybe being wise doesn’t always equate to being lucky.

View the original article here

Ghost Of The Town

Monday, November 5th, 2012 • Filed under Robberies

Boo! Happy late Halloween. In honor of the already-passed holiday, allow me to introduce a criminal well past his prime.

A man in Chicago was feeling hungry, so he decided to rob a Subway franchise. Of course, the plan wasn’t complete without added complications. This one came in the form of a Halloween disguise—a ghost costume, to be exact. According to Huffington Post, he almost succeeded in holding up the restaurant, until another employee threw hot soup at him. I didn’t even know Subway offered that as a menu item, but thank goodness they do.

View the original article here

A Latte Of Trouble

Nothing is quite as necessary to America’s productivity as coffee is. Imagine if we all functioned off of something different. Say, applesauce. Every meeting had an applesauce break, and applesauce machines were a kitchen staple. Reports were turned in dotted with applesauce stains, and everybody had applesauce travel mugs.

But the question is, can you rob hotels with applesauce? No, but apparently it’s doable with coffee. A man in Virginia entered a hotel (one that has actually been the site of previous crime), and threw a cup of hot coffee in the receptionist’s face. According to Huffington Post, he was then able to snatch a cell phone and a cash drawer filled with about $450. The suspect hasn’t been found yet, probably because the police are using decaf for their job.

View the original article here

Inventory Check

Ever heard the “fun” fact that everything around you can be used as a weapon? Well, it’s not a challenge.

An elderly man in Florida took it as one, however. He was faced with a multitude of charges after wreaking havoc on neighborhood women. The first happened to pregnant, so logically he poked her with a 4-foot sword. When a second woman intervened, he got testy and threatened her. A third woman heard the commotion and tried to help, but stopped when her chest was smeared with a peanut butter sandwich. According to Huff Post, the man still had some “fight” left in him and bit off part of the seat in the police car after being arrested. This is why sandwiches are for eating.

View the original article here

They Shouted Never

What’s the happiest instrument you can think of? Definitely not a Theremin. Maybe a sitar, or a didgeridoo? How about a glockenspiel? No, my guess would be a ukulele. However, this story may change your mind…

In Seattle, a young man and woman attempted to steal six beers from a gas station. Malt-liquor (what?) beers, to be exact. The male accomplished this by hitting the store clerk over the head with a ukulele, breaking the instrument and cutting the victims scalp. According to Seattle Weekly, the suspects had fled by the time the police arrived on the scene. Silently, unfortunately.

View the original article here

Tasteless Facebook Photos Help Prosecute Drunken Driver

By JJ Duncan on At some point I predict we'll stop seeing cases where blatantly bad behavior posted all over social networking sites gets people in serious trouble.

At some point, people like Joshua Lipton will say to themselves "hey you know what? I get it. It's both stupid and tasteless to post pictures of me partying in a jailbird outfit while the victim of my drunken driving recovers in a hospital."

But that time has yet to come. Lipton's Facebook pictures helped prosecutors argue successfully for a two-year prison term for the seemingly unrepentant partier. (More CNN Crime )

More Stupid Criminals
Subscribe to Stupid Criminals Related Articles:Writer, editor, and sometimes graphic designer for Zimbio.com since 2008. Follow me on Twitter.

View the original article here

Haters Gonna Hate

Sunday, September 16th, 2012 • Filed under Other

Remember how you always thought your parents were lame for listening to old music? Well, imagine driving your kids to school with Lady Gaga blasting out the speakers. Imagine driving your kids to school. Imagine driving. Yeah, maybe we’re thinking too far ahead here.

A woman in New Hampshire managed to get arrested four times in only 26 hours. How? Outdated music taste. Turned up loud enough for the neighbors to hear. According to Huffington Post, the police issued a warning against her earsplitting soundtrack of “Highway To Hell”. She refused to comply, and was arrested multiple times. At one point her nephew tried to pick up some of his stuff from her house and the woman, ever so reasonable, threw a frying pan at him. “Oh mama, I have got to get me one of these.”

View the original article here

Hot Off The Grill

Sunday, October 21st, 2012 • Filed under Assaults, Other Weapons

To continue with the meat theme, how many of you are vegetarian? Or worse, vegan? I’m  not sure I trust people who would choose spinach over bacon, or not eating cake over eating cake. What kind of insanity is next?

Apparently this kind of insanity, although it almost justifies not eating meat. A man in Massachusetts decided it’d be a good idea to steal a sausage. His next moment of brilliance involved attacking a passing biker with it. When this proved unsuccessful, he began assaulting the victim with a wrench. According to Huffington Post, the motives are completely unknown. Which is a shame, because then this would make complete and utter sense, right?

View the original article here