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Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Spitting Or Non-Spitting?

Sunday, April 22nd, 2012 • Filed under Caught on tape

Fast food seemed like a great idea at the time, but it’s gotten just downright scary. French fries are probably filled with more meat than the actual “burger” is, and Taco Bell fills its crispy shells using a legitimate meat tube. Like, my (imaginary) dog receives better nutrition.

Even worse, now we have to worry about how the workers prepare food, in addition to the dangers of ingesting said food. According to Los Angeles Times, an employee in a South Carolina McDonald’s pulled the nasty trick of spitting in a customer’s drink. The alleged story is that a mother and daughter requested another order of sweet tea because the first “wasn’t sweet enough”. Instead of adding more sugar, the employee added his own special ingredient…only to be caught on camera later when the customers complained. Can’t imagine why, nothing’s healthier than fresh DNA.


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Monday, May 28, 2012

Furby: Not Recommended For…Anyone

Sunday, March 25th, 2012 • Filed under Guns, Murderers

Everyone has something from their childhood that haunts them to this day. I, for instance, will forever be terrified of Gushers, because I feel no desire to have my head replaced with giant fruit. Please share in the comments which ridiculous images still lurk in your earliest memories.

Not surprisingly, Furbys are considered to be horrifying as well. But is it horrifying enough to shoot? According to Huffington Post, a man claimed he had shot his long-time girlfriend by accident. However, a testimony by one of his friends raised suspicion. She told of how their group of four was sitting and drinking one afternoon, when the man became so enraged by a noisy Furby on the table that he threatened to “blow its brains out”. Furby continued to speak, so he shot it right between its eyes. This story served as proof of the man’s temper and accuracy, both of which could have played a part in the murder of his wife. And Furby. A moment of silence, please.


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Sunday, May 27, 2012

“Sweetheart, You Know That Don’t Thrill Me.”

Friday, April 20th, 2012 • Filed under Other

How far would you go to get out of the friendzone? Show up with chicken noodle soup on a sick day? Send the sexiest of sexy pictures? Suffer through an Indiana Jones movie or an episode of Pretty Little Liars with said friendzoner?

I bet you can’t beat these guys! When a Nebraska woman decided she didn’t want to show up for her probation appointment, she took procrastination to the extreme by asking her two male friends to stab her in the stomach and shoulder. Dedicated fellows, it seems. According to AJC Mobile, she was sentenced to a year in prison. While this seems appropriate, I can’t even put a name to the law she could’ve have violated. “Thou shalt not request a stabbing?”


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Bonding Time!

Sunday, April 1st, 2012 • Filed under Robberies

Maintaining a decent mother-daughter relationship can be tough. There’s always the controlling mom trying to “relive the glory days” through her high school kid. Or the mom who’s so clueless she still thinks twilight is a time of day. But worst of all is the mom who wants to be considered a friend, and ends up swapping hookup tips at the dinner table. Like, uh, please pass the awk?

But if all else fails, you two can commit crimes together! An almost-60 year old woman and her 30 year old daughter were caught speeding away from a Regions bank with the loot and a gun in the car. The mother had walked in with a wig and gun to demand cash, while the daughter waited in the getaway car. According to Houston Press, this isn’t the first time they’ve had this type of outing. At least it beats Toddlers and Tiaras…


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Saturday, May 26, 2012

Pics Or It Didn’t Happen

Friday, April 20th, 2012 • Filed under Cars, Caught on tape

It’s not official ‘till it hits Facebook, right? There’s no science homework unless someone writes a whiny status. They’re not dating until make-out pictures gack up your news feed. And, of course, someone is your friend if, and only if, you click “confirm”.

This rule even applies to criminals! A young man in Kentucky might’ve been going through a dry spell with his girlfriend, so they spent a wild night siphoning gas from a police car. She took a picture of him flipping off the camera in the act and stuck it on Facebook, because that’s the kind of classy couple they are. According to WKYT, the boyfriend claimed he had not actually taken gas from the car. When investigated further, he said he had “tried but there wasn’t much in it”. He ended up spending a night in jail, sans the f*ck-you flip-flops.


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Friday, May 25, 2012

I Can Haz Moneh

Sunday, March 11th, 2012 • Filed under Break-Ins, Burglaries

Little kids can be great. They cheer you up when you’re down, make you more attractive to the opposite sex, and are hilarious when swearing on Youtube.

But how often can they stop a burglar? A man in Germany walked into a house one evening with every intention of robbing it, and held up a gun to the poor babysitter’s face. The two children heard the commotion, and ran upstairs. Much to the robber’s surprise, they came back down with their hard-earned savings in hand. According to The Local, the man was embarrassed/shocked/ashamed/touched (insert description of choice) and turned around and left. Looks like the police department has some possible new recruits.


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Thursday, May 24, 2012

You Make Me Nervous, So…

Monday, March 19th, 2012 • Filed under Robberies, Theft

First dates are traumatic. Dating, in general, is such a stressor. It would be so much easier to live in fairy tale-time…where you saw a hot guy riding a horse, sang to him, and lived happily ever after. And never had to worry about bad breath or tripping on your fancy heels.  Heck, sometimes all you have to do is sleep until he shows up.

But if you think you’ve had some terrible dates, check out True Crime Report. A young man, going by the name of Florenciano Valentino, took a girl out to lunch…while his friend robbed her garage of $5,000 worth of electronics. In addition, “Mr. Valentino” also snatched his date’s cell phone and left her with the bill. Silly. Every guy knows that most women don’t do theft ‘till the second date.


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Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Thrilling

Sunday, May 13th, 2012 • Filed under Assaults, Guns

“I couldn’t dance if my life depended on it.” Yes, I do believe dance is a dying art. Just look at the New Jersey fist pump. I dare you all to go to da clubb and start breaking out some grand jetés and pas de cheval.

Speaking of awkward dancing situations, a man in Idaho was legitimately forced to moonwalk. According to HP, his friend had been pointing a rifle at him demanding that he performed the Michael Jackson classic. Later, of course, it came out that it was just a pellet gun. Right. And the King Of Pop is still alive.


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Purple Stain

Sunday, March 18th, 2012 • Filed under Drugs, Smugglers

You know what’s gross? Blood. You know what’s even grosser? THAT kind of blood. Yeah, because it’s not enough for women to give birth, do laundry, AND take care of men…they also need their abdomen turned inside out once a month. Fun. Oh, and this article gets grosser, so reader (procrastinator) discretion is advised.

Strangely enough, one woman was able to use Mother Nature’s visit to her advantage. After she reported to the jail for a probation violation, she was arrested again for drug possession. She had managed to hide a marijuana joint under a Maxi pad in her underwear. According to BG Daily News, she freaked out and claimed she had forgotten it was there; it was her “good luck roach”. Obviously, it wasn’t working…


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Monday, May 21, 2012

Girl Power: You’re Doing It Wrong

Sunday, April 29th, 2012 • Filed under Arson, Assaults

Sadly, marriage isn’t forever anymore. Divorce isn’t forever either (Though I’m not suggesting Kim Kardashian was really that guy’s soulmate. Or anyone’s.). So what’s the solution?

BURN IT ALL. According to Houston Press, a young woman starting by giving her husband a sensual massage, and ended by setting him afire. And not metaphorically. Turns out the oil she had been rubbing him with was actually gasoline, which came in handy when she put one of the romance-inducing candles to his skin. He was rushed to the hospital as their home burned down. Evidence suggests that the attempted murder was premeditated, and our little Chicago wannabe was arrested on charges of arson and aggravated assault.


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Can You Say “Whipped”?

Sunday, April 8th, 2012 • Filed under Assaults, Murderers

Believe it or not, there is an endangered species of men out there who would reduce themselves to complete slaves for a girl. Even if that girl happens to be his mother….

Here’s one British guy who’s really in love (coughcoughImeanhorny), according to Huffington Post. His girlfriend, traumatized by recent events, got angry and plunged a 12-inch knife into his back while he was asleep. His spleen, pancreas, and liver were all damaged; injuries that would have been fatal if not for an immediate surgery. Yet he proposed to her in court, after having visited and forgiven her in jail (once he had spent MONTHS recovering). Better to be forever in danger than forever alone, right?


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Sunday, May 20, 2012

They Said I Could Be Anything…

Interesting how many parents name their kids after what they want them to be. That’s probably where you get poor suckers like Abraham Lincoln Jones, or Einstein Matthews. But, I mean, if that’s acceptable, why not take it further? I’ll give birth to Secret Agent and Rock Star.

According to The Smoking Gun, Fellony committed a felony. Yes. A young woman named Felony was arrested after attacking another woman with a glass in a bar fight after a dancing mishap. Which, I mean, is pretty BA. Her name could have been Loiter or DUI which would not make AS sexy a movie scene as this crime.


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Saturday, May 19, 2012

London Bridge

Sunday, May 13th, 2012 • Filed under Forgery, Theft

So this sounds like something straight out of Despicable Me. Which is great, because who doesn’t wanna read about those adorable eyeballed Twinkie-like creatures? LOSERS, that’s who.

Losers also steal odd things, especially in the Czech Republic. Oh, those Czechs. According to The Telegraph, metal thieves managed to dismantle and steal a 10-ton bridge. And not a Lego one. How? The crooks handed over forged paperwork claiming that the bridge had to be torn down. Those who signed the check didn’t realize until too late that they had been bridge-napped.  So now what? Having 10 tons of scrap metal seems just as much of an inconvenience as losing it.


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Friday, May 18, 2012

Bucket List

Friday, May 11th, 2012 • Filed under Other

What’s on your bucket list? Slurping down live squid? Hitching a ride on the back of a stranger’s Harley? Participating in a good old-fashioned swordfight? OR all three simultaneously?

However, if that’s too hardcore for you, bro….you can always just ride a unicycle in the nude. A middle-aged man in Houston can now take pride in saying he has accomplished said task. In public. According to Houston Press, he was arrested for indecent exposure while crossing a highway bridge. But hey, all exposure is good exposure.


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Thursday, May 17, 2012

Dumb Criminals Ink

Sunday, April 8th, 2012 • Filed under Other

Something we haven’t seen in a while: tattoos. Actually, we see them every day….the I-was-drunk-and-in-college skulls, the we-were-in-love-forever-until-he-cheated hearts, the Asian-is-totes-a-cool-language Chinese symbols, and the imprint-motherhood-onto-my-body-even-more pictures of kids’ faces. So what I really mean is that they haven’t been on here for a while.

Three young men were walking their dogs on a fine Idaho afternoon when a police officer suggested they move to a sidewalk. Harmless, right? One of the dog-walkers looked as though he might run away, so the officer became suspicious and asked for identification. As it says here on HP, the man gave his name and birthday, which didn’t show up later in the police database. Turns out he had given the officer a fake last name, an accusation that was confirmed by the tattoo of his actual name on his forehead. Apparently these things are easy to forget…


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Wednesday, May 16, 2012

There’s No Place Like The…Jail

Sunday, March 25th, 2012 • Filed under Other

Bad karaoke is bad for anyone involved. The person up there, envisioning spotlights and a sexy bass player and a crowd of thousands…. is just embarrassing herself. And the poor people listening are probably restraining themselves from pulling an Airplane! by trying out various suicide methods.

Most of the time, though, we just deal with it. A singer in a Florida Applebee’s did not, which became apparent when the fighting started. (Must have been singing Nickelback). According to HP,he was drunk and a little too into the song, so he started taking off his clothes. When the manager heard about this and tried to confront the situation, the singer slugged him in the face. He also beat up a few policeman before being carried away. Not worth a Bourbon Street Steak, amirite?


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“Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too”

Friday, May 11th, 2012 • Filed under Other

Guess what, all you pubescent adolescents? Contrary to what they tell you in health class, it seems as though your raging hormones are here to stay. All the way up to nursing home age, so it seems.

Now. 911 is an emergency help service, not an emergency “help” service. Just in case there was any doubt…which, apparently, there is. According to NewsOK, a man of 72 was charged of calling 911 numerous times making crude comments at the operators. Police eventually arrived at his home, and the man inquired as to whether he was being arrested or not. Like, no, it’s totally cool to have sexy-phone-time with our emergency response system. Please, tell me more.


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Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Fiesta!

Thursday, March 8th, 2012 • Filed under Assaults

Food has always brought families together. Or sliced them apart, in some cases. Things could get heated, maybe even boil over. Always remember to mix the two ingredients carefully.

It was a normal day as any for a Miami family consisting of a grown man, his live-in girlfriend, and his mother.  It wasn’t until they decided to have tacos for dinner that things got loco. When the son found out his mother had been using his taco sauce, his first course of action was to put her in a headlock. Brilliantly handled. After some yelling and glasses-breaking, she broke free. However, according to New Times, the girlfriend stepped into slap the mother around as well. She finally got away and walked all the way to her husband’s workplace, as her son refused to hand over the car keys. My guess is that next time she’ll stick with salsa.


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More to Come

More to Come Soon!