Not So Chill

What’s the hottest you’ve ever been? Temperature-wise of course, because if it was in physical terms, we all know we were the hottest at our 5th grade, bowl-cut, chubs stage. But really, to what extent would you go to cool off?

Hopefully not so far you’d get arrested, but this is exactly what a group of four young men in Germany did. On a hot day, they decided to make their own pool in a car. In a BMW no less. According to HP, a policeman noticed a very strange convertible driving down the road. Upon closer viewing, it appeared that the bathing-suit clad men were splashing around in the water-filled car, clearly intoxicated. Though there was no law against driving around with a pool in someone’s car, they were probably charged for driving without a permit. Talk about hot water.

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Let’s Get The Bleep Outta Here

Sometimes people don’t want their babies. Throughout history, these people have found convenient ways to get rid of them.  In the middle ages, a popular solution was to leave a swaddled infant on the doorstep of a misfortunate new parent. Worse for the child, another option was an orphanage. In later times, parents could even put their kid in the circus for life. The last one, I’m actually jealous of.

It might not have been this Florida woman’s goal to give away her child, but that’s sure what it looked like. She had gone shopping at Dillard’s, and tried to shoplift $260 worth of clothing using her baby stroller. When a police officer followed her out to her car, she flipped out and eventually threw her baby in its little carseat at him. According to HP, the baby was not injured. The shoplifter received three charges, including “resisting a police officer without violence”. Um. What would be violent, throwing her entire family?

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Meat A Loser

What do you guys think about sausage? I suppose it’s better than a hot dog, which in turn is better than bologna (which is basically giant hot dog slices?). And no matter what, it has to be better than Lunchables *shudder*.

No matter your opinion, sausage was a huge disappointment for this Phoenix man. He attempted to rob two large businesses, first an Ace Hardware and then a Safeway. He put his hand under his shirt to look like a gun, but the cashier was not fooled and calmly said “no” to his request for money. Equally unsuccessful was his attempt to rob a Safeway, which resulted in him being escorted out of the building. According to Phoenix New Times, he waited a few minutes before returning into the store to snag a small breakfast sausage and was therefore charged with shoplifting. I guess all that failing worked up an appetite.

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Demon Hunting 101

We’ve all seen those movies about crazy people who believe demons live in their house, right? Terrifying stuff, but the demons are probably more scared of you than you are of them. Just…grab a big shoe. And kill all the flies so they have nothing to eat. Oh. Maybe I’m thinking of something else, something scarier.

One guy in Arizona was so freaked out he almost burnt down the house. With his roommates still home, he started a fire in his bedroom closet where he believed they were hiding. He used paint thinner, and is reported to have been reciting Bible verses. According to AZ Central, he said he had planned to tell the police but forgot, and he was admitted to the hospital with burns on his feet. The important thing is, the house is now 100% demon free.

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High Score

Some typical “drug things” you have to be high to enjoy. Movies and music can usually hold up pretty well when watched sober, but not the consumption of Taco Bell. And especially not Doritos Locos Tacos. If you’re eating those, doing drugs is not your biggest problem.

Do you have to be high to enjoy certain video games? Apparently yes to Pac-Man, hence his never-ending hunger. In South Carolina, a 40 year old man attempted to smuggle pot around in his vehicle. How? By stuffing it all in a Pac-Man arcade game. According to HP, the vehicle was impounded. Looks like it’s game over for this guy.

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Grouse, On The House

What to do when unsatisfied with the service at a bar? Whatever course of action you choose, please don’t harm or kill anything. And I’m not just talking about people.

When a customer was turned away at a bar due to an “alcohol problem”, he became angry. To express his emotions, he threw a dead groundhog and a dead grouse (??????) into the bar. According to HP, using small dead rodents as a form of revenge is actually very common. Still, clearly this guy had more of a problem than his drinking.

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Sweet Tooth

If you’re using razorblades for something other than shaving, we need to have a talk. If you’re eating razorblades, we NEED to have a talk. If you’re eating drugstore doughnuts, we need to have a TALK.

Unfortunately, co-workers in Utah have done all three. A man and a woman filed a fake police report against a nearby drugstore, after allegedly filling purchased doughnuts with small razorblades and then consuming them. This was in order to get paid by the drugstore. Worse, they made a fellow Dollar Tree employee try one as well. According to Huff Post, the flaw in their plan presented itself when policeman realized the drugstore doughnuts had been packaged in another state and shipped. Seriously, said the vegan, just eat some broccoli.

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