I Can Haz Moneh

Sunday, March 11th, 2012 • Filed under Break-Ins, Burglaries

Little kids can be great. They cheer you up when you’re down, make you more attractive to the opposite sex, and are hilarious when swearing on Youtube.

But how often can they stop a burglar? A man in Germany walked into a house one evening with every intention of robbing it, and held up a gun to the poor babysitter’s face. The two children heard the commotion, and ran upstairs. Much to the robber’s surprise, they came back down with their hard-earned savings in hand. According to The Local, the man was embarrassed/shocked/ashamed/touched (insert description of choice) and turned around and left. Looks like the police department has some possible new recruits.

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You Make Me Nervous, So…

Monday, March 19th, 2012 • Filed under Robberies, Theft

First dates are traumatic. Dating, in general, is such a stressor. It would be so much easier to live in fairy tale-time…where you saw a hot guy riding a horse, sang to him, and lived happily ever after. And never had to worry about bad breath or tripping on your fancy heels.  Heck, sometimes all you have to do is sleep until he shows up.

But if you think you’ve had some terrible dates, check out True Crime Report. A young man, going by the name of Florenciano Valentino, took a girl out to lunch…while his friend robbed her garage of $5,000 worth of electronics. In addition, “Mr. Valentino” also snatched his date’s cell phone and left her with the bill. Silly. Every guy knows that most women don’t do theft ‘till the second date.

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Thrilling

Sunday, May 13th, 2012 • Filed under Assaults, Guns

“I couldn’t dance if my life depended on it.” Yes, I do believe dance is a dying art. Just look at the New Jersey fist pump. I dare you all to go to da clubb and start breaking out some grand jetés and pas de cheval.

Speaking of awkward dancing situations, a man in Idaho was legitimately forced to moonwalk. According to HP, his friend had been pointing a rifle at him demanding that he performed the Michael Jackson classic. Later, of course, it came out that it was just a pellet gun. Right. And the King Of Pop is still alive.

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Purple Stain

Sunday, March 18th, 2012 • Filed under Drugs, Smugglers

You know what’s gross? Blood. You know what’s even grosser? THAT kind of blood. Yeah, because it’s not enough for women to give birth, do laundry, AND take care of men…they also need their abdomen turned inside out once a month. Fun. Oh, and this article gets grosser, so reader (procrastinator) discretion is advised.

Strangely enough, one woman was able to use Mother Nature’s visit to her advantage. After she reported to the jail for a probation violation, she was arrested again for drug possession. She had managed to hide a marijuana joint under a Maxi pad in her underwear. According to BG Daily News, she freaked out and claimed she had forgotten it was there; it was her “good luck roach”. Obviously, it wasn’t working…

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Girl Power: You’re Doing It Wrong

Sunday, April 29th, 2012 • Filed under Arson, Assaults

Sadly, marriage isn’t forever anymore. Divorce isn’t forever either (Though I’m not suggesting Kim Kardashian was really that guy’s soulmate. Or anyone’s.). So what’s the solution?

BURN IT ALL. According to Houston Press, a young woman starting by giving her husband a sensual massage, and ended by setting him afire. And not metaphorically. Turns out the oil she had been rubbing him with was actually gasoline, which came in handy when she put one of the romance-inducing candles to his skin. He was rushed to the hospital as their home burned down. Evidence suggests that the attempted murder was premeditated, and our little Chicago wannabe was arrested on charges of arson and aggravated assault.

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Can You Say “Whipped”?

Sunday, April 8th, 2012 • Filed under Assaults, Murderers

Believe it or not, there is an endangered species of men out there who would reduce themselves to complete slaves for a girl. Even if that girl happens to be his mother….

Here’s one British guy who’s really in love (coughcoughImeanhorny), according to Huffington Post. His girlfriend, traumatized by recent events, got angry and plunged a 12-inch knife into his back while he was asleep. His spleen, pancreas, and liver were all damaged; injuries that would have been fatal if not for an immediate surgery. Yet he proposed to her in court, after having visited and forgiven her in jail (once he had spent MONTHS recovering). Better to be forever in danger than forever alone, right?

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They Said I Could Be Anything…

Interesting how many parents name their kids after what they want them to be. That’s probably where you get poor suckers like Abraham Lincoln Jones, or Einstein Matthews. But, I mean, if that’s acceptable, why not take it further? I’ll give birth to Secret Agent and Rock Star.

According to The Smoking Gun, Fellony committed a felony. Yes. A young woman named Felony was arrested after attacking another woman with a glass in a bar fight after a dancing mishap. Which, I mean, is pretty BA. Her name could have been Loiter or DUI which would not make AS sexy a movie scene as this crime.

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