Medium Rare, Please

Giving Christmas presents becomes increasingly difficult as everyone grows up. Few people have the need for a third toaster, and nobody wants one of those hideous sweaters with the dancing cats. So what simple object can prove useful?

Clearly, it’s a barbecue fork. When a teenage thief in Texas attempted a home invasion, he was faced with a surprise. The 73 year old homeowner grabbed a pair of scissors and a barbecue fork and met him at the back door. According to HP, she then stabbed him in the neck with the fork.  We’re not quite sure who’s the victim and who’s the criminal here…

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Small Potatoes

Sunday, October 7th, 2012 • Filed under Assaults

Everybody has weird little quirks. A conversation with a group of friends once went like this: “If you could incorporate any food into your sex life, which would it be?” “Chocolate.” “Yeah, probably chocolate.” “Chocolate sounds good.” “OMG MASHED POTATOES!” Someone’s a lucky guy…

Occasionally, having said quirks can get people arrested. A woman in Florida ordered mashed potatoes and was disappointed when they were cold. She requested a 50% discount, and instead received a credit slip to be used on her next visit. This visit came next Monday, according to HP, when the woman arrived again to speak to the manager. This ended in a fight, and the police were called after the manager had nearly been throttled. This is why starch is unhealthy.

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Not Funny.

Monday, November 19th, 2012 • Filed under Assaults, Other Weapons

Did you know that clowns are one of the top ten most common phobias? Not surprising, and I’ll just stop this line of thought before giving any of you (or myself) nightmares for a week.

Even cops run into problems with these guys. A man was driving down the road when he witnessed what appeared to be a policeman beating up a clown. Upon looking closer, he confirmed that it was indeed a cop beating up a clown, and took a video. According to WISN, the story behind this was that the clown had been squirting every passing car with a water gun, and therefore needed to be taken care of. Hopefully taken back to the circus.

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Just ‘Cause You Didn’t Get Your Letter…

Monday, November 5th, 2012 • Filed under Assaults, Kidnappings

Sometimes kids just take it to the next level, you know? All you were trying to do was recapture your “friend” who had left the scout troop to live in the woods with his crazy, scissor-wielding girlfriend. And then your dog ends up hurt, so unfair.

While that story may be a work of fiction, this one isn’t. Ten teenagers, apparently a bit lonely and in need of a pet, approached a younger boy who happened to be walking his pet owl. The teenagers attacked the owner with Silly String, and punched him in the face upon his retaliation. Luckily he escaped with the owl, according to HP. Maybe being wise doesn’t always equate to being lucky.

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Ghost Of The Town

Monday, November 5th, 2012 • Filed under Robberies

Boo! Happy late Halloween. In honor of the already-passed holiday, allow me to introduce a criminal well past his prime.

A man in Chicago was feeling hungry, so he decided to rob a Subway franchise. Of course, the plan wasn’t complete without added complications. This one came in the form of a Halloween disguise—a ghost costume, to be exact. According to Huffington Post, he almost succeeded in holding up the restaurant, until another employee threw hot soup at him. I didn’t even know Subway offered that as a menu item, but thank goodness they do.

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A Latte Of Trouble

Nothing is quite as necessary to America’s productivity as coffee is. Imagine if we all functioned off of something different. Say, applesauce. Every meeting had an applesauce break, and applesauce machines were a kitchen staple. Reports were turned in dotted with applesauce stains, and everybody had applesauce travel mugs.

But the question is, can you rob hotels with applesauce? No, but apparently it’s doable with coffee. A man in Virginia entered a hotel (one that has actually been the site of previous crime), and threw a cup of hot coffee in the receptionist’s face. According to Huffington Post, he was then able to snatch a cell phone and a cash drawer filled with about $450. The suspect hasn’t been found yet, probably because the police are using decaf for their job.

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Inventory Check

Ever heard the “fun” fact that everything around you can be used as a weapon? Well, it’s not a challenge.

An elderly man in Florida took it as one, however. He was faced with a multitude of charges after wreaking havoc on neighborhood women. The first happened to pregnant, so logically he poked her with a 4-foot sword. When a second woman intervened, he got testy and threatened her. A third woman heard the commotion and tried to help, but stopped when her chest was smeared with a peanut butter sandwich. According to Huff Post, the man still had some “fight” left in him and bit off part of the seat in the police car after being arrested. This is why sandwiches are for eating.

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