A Latte Of Trouble

Nothing is quite as necessary to America’s productivity as coffee is. Imagine if we all functioned off of something different. Say, applesauce. Every meeting had an applesauce break, and applesauce machines were a kitchen staple. Reports were turned in dotted with applesauce stains, and everybody had applesauce travel mugs.

But the question is, can you rob hotels with applesauce? No, but apparently it’s doable with coffee. A man in Virginia entered a hotel (one that has actually been the site of previous crime), and threw a cup of hot coffee in the receptionist’s face. According to Huffington Post, he was then able to snatch a cell phone and a cash drawer filled with about $450. The suspect hasn’t been found yet, probably because the police are using decaf for their job.

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Inventory Check

Ever heard the “fun” fact that everything around you can be used as a weapon? Well, it’s not a challenge.

An elderly man in Florida took it as one, however. He was faced with a multitude of charges after wreaking havoc on neighborhood women. The first happened to pregnant, so logically he poked her with a 4-foot sword. When a second woman intervened, he got testy and threatened her. A third woman heard the commotion and tried to help, but stopped when her chest was smeared with a peanut butter sandwich. According to Huff Post, the man still had some “fight” left in him and bit off part of the seat in the police car after being arrested. This is why sandwiches are for eating.

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They Shouted Never

What’s the happiest instrument you can think of? Definitely not a Theremin. Maybe a sitar, or a didgeridoo? How about a glockenspiel? No, my guess would be a ukulele. However, this story may change your mind…

In Seattle, a young man and woman attempted to steal six beers from a gas station. Malt-liquor (what?) beers, to be exact. The male accomplished this by hitting the store clerk over the head with a ukulele, breaking the instrument and cutting the victims scalp. According to Seattle Weekly, the suspects had fled by the time the police arrived on the scene. Silently, unfortunately.

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Tasteless Facebook Photos Help Prosecute Drunken Driver

By JJ Duncan on At some point I predict we'll stop seeing cases where blatantly bad behavior posted all over social networking sites gets people in serious trouble.

At some point, people like Joshua Lipton will say to themselves "hey you know what? I get it. It's both stupid and tasteless to post pictures of me partying in a jailbird outfit while the victim of my drunken driving recovers in a hospital."

But that time has yet to come. Lipton's Facebook pictures helped prosecutors argue successfully for a two-year prison term for the seemingly unrepentant partier. (More CNN Crime )

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Haters Gonna Hate

Sunday, September 16th, 2012 • Filed under Other

Remember how you always thought your parents were lame for listening to old music? Well, imagine driving your kids to school with Lady Gaga blasting out the speakers. Imagine driving your kids to school. Imagine driving. Yeah, maybe we’re thinking too far ahead here.

A woman in New Hampshire managed to get arrested four times in only 26 hours. How? Outdated music taste. Turned up loud enough for the neighbors to hear. According to Huffington Post, the police issued a warning against her earsplitting soundtrack of “Highway To Hell”. She refused to comply, and was arrested multiple times. At one point her nephew tried to pick up some of his stuff from her house and the woman, ever so reasonable, threw a frying pan at him. “Oh mama, I have got to get me one of these.”

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Hot Off The Grill

Sunday, October 21st, 2012 • Filed under Assaults, Other Weapons

To continue with the meat theme, how many of you are vegetarian? Or worse, vegan? I’m  not sure I trust people who would choose spinach over bacon, or not eating cake over eating cake. What kind of insanity is next?

Apparently this kind of insanity, although it almost justifies not eating meat. A man in Massachusetts decided it’d be a good idea to steal a sausage. His next moment of brilliance involved attacking a passing biker with it. When this proved unsuccessful, he began assaulting the victim with a wrench. According to Huffington Post, the motives are completely unknown. Which is a shame, because then this would make complete and utter sense, right?

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Not A Creature Was Stealing

Monday, December 24th, 2012 • Filed under Other

There is a huge spike in donation around Christmastime, but shouldn’t we be generous all year? Of course, but maybe it’s a good thing we’re not.

Why? A man in Ontario (this was probably Canada’s most violent crime of the year) thought it’d be a good idea to steal some clothes from a Salvation Army bin at 2:30 am. Fortunately, he got stuck, with only his legs sticking out. According to The Star, policeman came by to get rid of the nuisance and deliver the clothing to the proper place.

Merry Christmas, everyone, hope it’s not too dumb!

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