Cops: Drunk Guy Crashed Truck, Swiped Forklift

(Newser) – Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug, and sometimes you're the dude with a really good buzz driving a pilfered forklift three miles to fetch the truck you crashed and managed to leave dangling on a giant pipe in Alaska. Police in Fairbanks say the latter is the tale of woe that was the Monday morning of 21-year-old Aleksander Glushko, reports the Fairbanks Daily News-Miner.

Cops say Glushko crashed the truck just before 6am, walked to the nearby George Horner Ice Park, appropriated aforementioned forklift, and drove back past the crash scene. Awaiting him when he swung back around were officers of the law; a breath test allegedly clocked in at 0.230—roughly three times the legal limit. Glushko is charged with felony DUI and vehicle theft; a DUI conviction would give him a hat trick.

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Guy Makes Poor Choice in Liking a Facebook Post

(Newser) – Pro tip for (alleged) criminals: If you see your photograph featured as a "most wanted" suspect on your local Crime Stoppers' Facebook page, maybe don't "like" the post. Alas, Montana 23-year-old Levi Charles Reardon did not heed that advice, and now an arrest that might otherwise have gone unnoticed is getting coverage in places like, oh, France. The Great Falls Tribune reports Reardon was arrested last Friday, and while it doesn't appear that the like is what did him in, it is what's getting plenty of attention.

The Cascade County Crime Stoppers posted the photo last month and has since posted a few updates, including a screenshot of Reardon's like. "Haha his buddy commented and tagged him in the first place! whatta nice friend! LOL," observed one commenter. (Said friend's reply: "If I see someone I know making poor life choices gotta make sure it's known plus half the time people don't even know they have warrants or are wanted.") "To our current knowledge, Mr. Reardon's arrest was a result of an anonymous tip," Crime Stoppers commented in a follow-up post. Reardon is suspected of stealing a wallet and personal checks, then making four of the checks out to himself and cashing them.

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Cops: Teens Mistook Man's Ashes for Cocaine

(Newser) – Three teens in St. Peters, Missouri, are accused of breaking into a home and stealing everything from cash to jewelry. One reason this police item is making headlines, however, is because police say the trio also stole what they thought was a box of cocaine, reports the Smoking Gun. Except, no, it was the ashes of the occupant's father. One of the kids allegedly tasted the remains in the getaway car, realized it wasn't cocaine, and tossed the box of ashes out the window. One other reason the story is making headlines: The ashes apparently belonged to the kid's grandfather.

Victim Debora Matthews tells KMOV that two of the three suspects are minors, and those two are her dad's grandsons. "They did that to their grandfather," she says. "They didn’t even realize it was their grandfather’s ashes." All three face multiple felonies, though the minors will go through juvenile court. “I just couldn’t believe that they would take the ashes,” says Matthews. "But you know, they were kids and I guess just stupid."

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Cops: Criminal Mastermind's Disguise 'Ineffective'

(Newser) – Pro tip: When the law is after you and you'd like to alter your appearance so as to avoid speaking with the aforementioned law, maybe try a fat suit or dyeing your hair. Probably what you don't want to do is spraypaint your face black, which is what police in Madera, Calif., say Jose Espinoza tried and which they term, via a wry Facebook post, "an effort to camouflage himself. The camouflage was ineffective." Police say that Espinoza was busted with a stolen car Saturday night; per KTLA, the 23-year-old fled the scene, only to return to his house sporting his less-than-clever disguise. Police were unfooled. Charges were filed. And bail was set at $35,000. In evidence: one spray paint can, a police rep tells ABC.

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Dude Desperate to Make Court Swiped Pal's Car: Cops

(Newser) – A New Jersey man has been accused of stealing a friend's car to avoid missing a court hearing on drug charges. Twenty-one-year-old Jorge Ramirez-Sierra of Riverdale has been charged with unlawful taking of a means of conveyance and driving while suspended, among other counts. Police tell NJ.com the new charges came after a man reported his car missing Friday morning. Police say the man told officers Ramirez-Sierra had "stated multiple times the evening before that he did not know how he was going to get" to court. The next morning, the car had magically disappeared.

While officers were talking with the owner, Ramirez-Sierra called to say he was returning with the vehicle. He was taken into custody after arriving. Per police, Ramirez-Sierra had on his person: a hypodermic needlea crack pipeempty wax bags and other drug paraphernaliaan open airplane bottle of Fireball whiskeyRamirez-Sierra has two days to figure out his next ride to court.

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Man Hiding From Cops Foiled by Own Snapchat Post

(Newser) – Someday, maybe, there will be a story about a fugitive taunting the police via social media that ends differently, but until then ... meet Christopher Wallace. As police were searching for him inside his home in Fairfield, Maine, the 24-year-old burglary suspect posted a message to Snapchat boasting that he was hiding inside a cabinet, reports centralmaine.com. The message disappeared quickly, as Snapchat messages do, but somebody called the cops to let them know what it said.

“A search of the kitchen cabinets turned up some food, some pots and pans, and also a pair of feet,” recounts a gleeful Facebook post from the Somerset County Sheriff's Office. “The pair of feet just so happened to be attached to a person, and that person was Christopher Wallace. He was removed from the cabinet and placed under arrest.” And how did police know to search the home in the first place? An earlier Snapchat post by Wallace, of course.

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Cops Laugh About Stoner's To-Do List on Twitter

(Newser) – Police officers are people, too. And like us, they share their hilarious finds on Twitter. Take this example: Police in Murdoch, Western Australia, were executing a search warrant on a house in Perth, relating to a burglary investigation, when they uncovered a rather amusing to-do list, News.com.au reports. It described an individual's busy Saturday laid out with helpful reminders like "go to bus stop" and "go get lunch (chips and gravy)," per Mashable. The last two entries on the 10-item list, adding fuel to the idea that marijuana causes memory problems, were "go home and get a stick" and then "chop up and get stoned"—because, you know, sometimes you forget.

Police tweeted a photo of the list, with the caption, "Are ur Saturdays hectic like this!!!" They followed that up with, "Yes, the to do list was authentic, I don't think any of us here could make it up if we tried! #nosenseofhumour." The witty replies flooded in. "At least he had realistic personal goals which he probably achieved," one user quipped. But not all social media users were as amused. "No wonder our homes keep getting broken into. The Murdoch police are too busy embarrassing drug addicts on social media. Grow up," another added, per News.com.au. (The list-writer joins a long tradition of misguided potheads.)

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